Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Choose Your Own Adventure February 2, 2009

Filed under: Ooooh, Shiny, Pretty — dulcedementia @ 7:37 pm

Last night, a situation came up and I found myself thinking about the Choose Your Own Adventure books that I loved so much as a child. Except I was ended up thinking about a grown up choose your own adventure.

Then I started thinking more and more about what a grown up Choose Your Own Adventure book might look like. Probably somewhat more banal I would imagine. For your reading pleasure, I have created a very short grown up version of Choose Your Own Adventure.

Your boss asks you to stay late to help them update the filing system. The job will be tedious, but you are up for your quarterly review in a few weeks and you are pretty sure this will give you the leg up for that nice raise you have been after for 2 years now. However, you have already made plans with friends to visit that new Thai restaurant that everyone has been buzzing about. Do you:

  • Cancel plans with friends and stay late? Go to #2
  • Tell your boss you are sorry, but you have plans for the evening? Go to #4

1. Smelling your fear, a Doberman immediately approaches you, ready to attack. As he goes in for the kill, you instinctively fail out with your ball point pen, stabbing the dog in the jugular and killing it immediately. Even though you hate killing an animal, the mutated dog blood is later found to be the cure for cancer. Congratulations, you just saved the entire world. This eventually leads the average human lifespan reaching upwards of 300 years. The End.

2. You make arrangements to go out with your friends another night, order some food to be delivered and then you get filing with the help of your boss. About an hour into filing, your boss begins making suggestive comments towards you. This creeps you out immensely since they are a pretty revolting character. Do you:

  • Tell your boss to stop immediately and file a sexual harassment complaint the very next day? Go to #6
  • Try to ignore the comments. You’ve got your raise to think of here. If your boss is meant with any kind of direct rejection, you can kiss that pay bump goodbye. Go to #3

3. You get the raise! However, your boss is now stalking you. You are fairly certain they were rooting through your trash last Wednesday night and your underwear keep going missing. You try to go about your normal day to day routine and ignore it. Upon arriving home from a blind date, you find your house in flames and a note taped to your mailbox saying “If I can’t have you no one can.” Apparently your boss set the fire while they were still inside. The End.

4. You go to the Thai restaurant with your friends and enjoy a delicious meal with friends. Afterwards, you head to a bar with several friends. Someone gets the great idea to start doing shots and you oblige. You wake up the next morning lying naked next to your friend you swore you’d never sleep with. Disgusted with yourself and fighting back the urge to vomit, you quickly throw on your clothes from the night before and leave as quickly and quietly as you can. The End.

5. Unfortunately, as a side effect of the mutation, the Dobermans have no taste for meat. All they crave are fresh broccoli and human blood. You are dead within 5 minutes. The End.

6. Once the sexual harassment paperwork is filed, it comes to light that your boss has made advances at several other people in your office. They are immediately fired. Two weeks later, your ex-boss returns to the office with a pack of genetically enhanced, mutant Doberman Pinchers. They immediately begin attacking staff members left and right. Do you:

  • Curl up in a fetal position to protect all of your vital organs, while grasping a ball point pen in a futile attempt to arm yourself. Got to #1
  • Run to the fridge, grab all meat based foods and start throwing them in the direction of the dogs hoping to get their attention away from you. Go to #5

Side Note:
After only doing three options, I now have a huge amount of respect for those Choose Your Own Adventure Writers. This was fun to write but a pain in the ass to organize.

Maybe they did them on index cards.

Yeah. Index cards would have made this a snap.


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