The lights are dimmed, the candles are lit, and the heady smell of a little too much incense is in the air. Sensual massage oils are laid out with care, you turn on your stereo to top off the mood and suddenly, Death From Above 1979 starts blaring through your speakers.
The wrong music can kill the mood faster than an “accidental” finger slip into the wrong hole. We all have songs or artists that turn us off faster than a cold shower in the arctic in the middle of winter in a blizzard when it’s unseasonably cold.
Below is a list of some of the songs and/or artists that really make me cool down and want to put my clothes on.
I love Al Green, but Barry White makes me feel really, really dirty. Like crack whore dirty. Like accidentally watching some other couple totally do it and then watching a little longer than someone would accidentally watch. That kind of dirty. Shameful dirty.
I like this song, just not when I’m getting ready for lovin’. It reminds me of pee and when I think of pee I have to…crap. Be right back. Yeah.
Who doesn’t want to just punch a mother fucker when they hear “Everything I Do”? If that comes on when the deed is going down, things are likely to become violent.
Tuvan Throat Singing
Consider yourself warned.
My dad’s CD
Yes. My dad has an actual music CD out there. And for reasons I think should be extremely obvious, I never want to hear it when I am naked. Ever. Ugh. I need to go take a shower for even saying dad and naked in the same paragraph.
The Final Countdown-Europe
I LOVE this song, but when I hear it I get thinking about GOB and Arrested Development and then I get giggly and I can’t focus. Honestly, this song may have been playing in the background during a foray or two, but in theory, I don’t really want it playing.
The Mars Volta
This band requires a little too much brain power and is a little chaotic to facilitate a pleasant rhythm. The last thing I want to do is think when I’m getting my jollies.
Kenny G/Michael Bolton
I’m of the impression that this is actually the same person. Sometimes he pretends he can play the saxophone, sometimes he pretends he can sing. Either time makes me want to vomit violently in the face of the person who chose to play that music.
I’m sure I’m missing a whole slew of other singers, bands and songs that would make my skin crawl if I heard them while in the act of bumping uglies.
But I will end on a positive note:
You can never, ever go wrong with Motown.