Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Rules of Engagement February 10, 2009

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 10:41 pm

As I’m slowly entering back into the world of dating people, I’ve begun to realize how utterly out of practice I am. For the better part of my dating years (I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16), I have ended up dating friends that I already knew and could read and could act however I wanted around them. I am entering uncharted territory this year.I’m actually getting set up by friends to people I know nothing about. While this is both fun and exciting, it initially scared the shit out of me because I am completely unversed in the fine art of dating.

 

Here are the rules I was totally unaware of as explained to me by several friends:

 

1. Always let the guy pay on the first date. You run the risk of emasculating him if you insist on splitting the bill.
2. No putting out on the first date. The most you should give up is a kiss.
3. Don’t ever call. They call you.

 

So, after a week long freak out about following the rules, I have decided to fuck the “Man’s” rules. These are MY rules:

 

1. I am going to at least offer to split the bill with my date. I won’t put up a huge stink if they insist on paying, but I will try to help pay. I really don’t have any interest in dating someone who is going to have their sexuality threatened because I want to help and be nice.
2. OK, I will grudgingly admit it, keeping my pants on is probably a good thing. Stupid pants.
3. Since I’ve decided to be a prude that means no wine for at least the first 3 dates. Wine makes my pants disappear. Stupid pants.
4. If I had a good time, I’m fucking going to call. I won’t call right away, because that’s silly, but unlike Lucille Bluth, I do not get off on withholding. I’m far too impulsive for that.
5. If my date does not reference one of the following things on the first date, there will likely not be a second date: Star Wars, Star Trek, WoW, O Rly Owl, obscure scientific studies, Radio Lab, Ninjas (if they mention they hate ninjas, I will flip out on them and THEN there won’t be a second date), Lord of the Rings or AC/DC.

 

I will finish this post with a warning that if anyone tries to set me up with a white dude with dreadlocks, you are in for a WORLD of hurt.

 

One that you will not be allowed to leave soon.

 

NO DREADS!

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7 Responses to “Rules of Engagement”

  1. V Says:

    You hate pants even when it doesn’t come to dating… and I can’t wait to find you a white dude with dreads that hates ninjas and has never seen star wars. 😉

  2. Alison Says:

    What if your date doesn’t mention one of those things but mentions something bigger and better? I know, it would be tough, but what if….

  3. Dude, I’m telling you the rules are there for a reason. As a matter of fact, I don’t call, I change my number and move to a new place after date number one. If dude wants to have date number two he’s going to have to find me. Get a Bloodhound, beeeotch!

  4. Amy Says:

    I got nuthin’. Just wanted to say I feel your pain and love you (and your lady pillows) bunches and bunches.

    Wait a sec…your NOT supposed to put out on the first date? Dammit!

    Can you please define “date”?

  5. mrs.smith Says:

    I completely and whole-heartedly endorse Rule #5.

  6. Brad Example Says:

    What’s bigger and better than Star Trek, Star Wars, WoW, and ninjas?

    Firefly.

  7. Alison Says:

    Come to think about it, I prefer to make out with them before the first date. That way, you know what you’re getting into.


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