So, I have a little thug crush on Jamaican rapper/dance hall musician Sean Paul. Yes. That’s right. That’s how white bread I am. I don’t even have thug crushes on actual thugs.Anyway, the other day I got laughing really hard to myself thinking about what an actual date with Sean Paul might go because of his thick freaking accent. I’m going to give the dialogue a try here, but I don’t know if it is going to be as truly hysterical as it was “acted out” in my head.
The place: A nice restaurant situated somewhere in Lodo.
Me: Wow, Mr. Sean Paul, this place looks really nice. They have lots of lamb dishes and I like lamb dishes. Do you like lamb?
Sean Paul: Gyal, say from we eye deh eyewe knee.
Me: I-I’m sorry, what?
SP: Gyal, me see say that ya wan may.
Me: Um. Did you want to order some wine? Maybe some Crystal?
SP: Jah no say me know wrong.
Me (shifting uncomfortably): Soooooooo… does that mean you DO want wine? Or Crystal?
SP: Right den dere on me knee
Me: OK, I’ll just order the Merlot then.
Me: So, how’d you become so interested in music?
SP: Because me nah get no bligh fuss inna meh life man I’m feeling fi cry
Me: OK, now you’re not even saying real words. You’re just messing with me right? (nervous laughing) I mean, “bligh”??? What the hell, sorry, I mean “ell” does bligh even mean?
SP (Blank stare while doing bad boy pouty face): …
Me: You know what, I don’t think this is going to work out, but we’re here and I happen to have a travel size version of Trouble in my purse. What do you say, wanna take a chance on the Pop-O-Matic?
SP: But yuh nah gi man no bligh nah no play
Me: Alright. Shut up. Here’s cash for the half glass of wine I drank. I am NOT playing Trouble with you talking like that.
(Get up to leave and invariably get coat stuck on wood bench sliver, get jerked backwards, lose balance and fall onto the floor.)
SP starts laughing.
Me: Well, at least I can understand when you are laughing.
SP: Gyal, me eye de me bligh knee why ya got deh cheese?