I’m really good at starting projects at home. I’m really horrible at finishing them. But I have a whole bunch of projects at home that should really be finished because, well, I have spent money on the projects already; I just need to put in the time.
So here’s the top ten list of things I should be doing this weekend, but probably won’t and why I won’t get it done.
1. Paint living room wall where I had to spackle over the gaping holes in the wall that were the result of drilling into the wall and hanging a shelf without finding studs first.
Why I won’t get it done: I have to pull out a tarp, a paint tray, a rolling brush and then put on grubby clothes and get covered in paint. Plus, I’m worried Zed will run into the wall and get covered in paint OR he will try and lick the pain off.
2. Apply handmade paper to shadow boxes and hang them to use as shelves for my front channel speakers. It’s functional art!
Why I won’t get it done: The paper cost $20 a sheet because it is 100% handmade, so I spent $40 on paper. I am petrified I am going to ruin this paper because my crafts always sound so awesome in my head, when in reality; I usually tend to fuck them up pretty badly. Plus, there is a pretty high level of accuracy involved. Also, I have to find studs and drill. Last time I did this, I broke the drill bit off into the wall.
3. Hang the light cord and parasol I got to make a cool hanging lamp in the corner of my living room.
Why it won’t get done: Again, there is drilling involved. Drilling while standing on a ladder almost into the ceiling. I have to stand on my tiptoes to reach it.
4. Put away the last birthday present I got.
Why I won’t do it: It’s a bunch of trial size versions of gourmet food. It sounds weird, but it was actually a really cool idea: 30 new flavors to try for 30 years of living. But I don’t know where to put them all.
5. Clean the grout in my shower.
Why I won’t do it: I think it’s pretty obvious why I won’t do this. This is boring and I get sweaty and I’ll end up getting all dizzy from the chemicals.
6. Mop my tiny kitchen and bathroom floors.
Why I won’t do it: I don’t own a mop. I would have to clean the floors with a sponge. I’m not down with that. I’m also not buying a mop and bucket this weekend.
7. Clean and tune up my bike.
Why I won’t do it: I can’t even lie. I’m just too damned lazy to do it. Also, I don’t have a bucket.
8. Get the rest of Zed’s dreadlocks clipped off, even after I took him to a doggy wash and cut TONS of hair off him last weekend.
Why it won’t get done: Trying to get my dog to sit still is like trying to create a solar eclipse by moving the moon using the force. Plus, he has a sixth sense about when scissors are coming at him he flips out. I could be petting his stomach for 30 minutes. If I pick up scissors and slowly move them towards his belly, he’s in another room faster than you can say “RAD Kid.”
9. Tuck the speaker wire for the rear channel speakers under the carpet so it doesn’t look so bad.
Why it won’t get done: I’m really freaked out I’m going to fuck up the carpet and it will look even worse than the speaker wire did.
10. Get all my laundry done.
Why it won’t get done: Actually I probably will get it done, because I like doing laundry. I just needed a 10th thing for my list.