Yeah, that’s right, I saw Watchmen over the weekend. Now, I have been trying to get my hands on a copy of the graphic novel so I could read it before I went and saw the movie, but the opportunity presented itself and I and went ahead and bought a ticket to the Watchmen on IMAX (because that’s how I roll). Now, from here on out, I’m going to talk about the movie, so if you don’t want to read any spoilers or anything, stop reading right now.
I was so jazzed to see this movie because I L-O-V-E-D 300 and I really like the way Zak Snyder translate graphic novels into movie in a crazy literal way. Apparently that’s not the way the douche spigot in front of me on line to buy tickets thought. I had to stand in the ticket line for 10 minutes and listen to this fart nugget drone on and on about the blatant racist in 300 and the way everything was over the top. Um. Dur. Of course it was over the top, that’s the way the frakking book is.
Anyway, I’m glad I went and saw this movie by myself, because by the time I got into the theatre, there were very few “good” seats together. But since it was just me, I totally got a pretty awesome seat.
And that’s kind of where the awesome stopped.
The critiques I read about this movie were, oddly enough, that Zak Snyder held SO true to the book that the movie was incredibly slow and bogged down in minutiae. That’s a pretty spot on criticism.
One thing that I would assume is in the graphic novel that is also, unfortunately in the movie as well is Dr. Manhattan’s constant freaking nudity. A raging case of hemorrhoids is more comfortable than seeing a flaccid blue CGI dong projected on to an IMAX sized screen with high definition clarity. And I estimate Dr. Manhattan’s wiener was in about 8 minutes of that movie.
You know how most movies will zoom out on a naked man, but eventually stop or pan away when the wang is about to enter stage right? Yeah, well, Watchmen didn’t do that. If a shot was panning out, it kept panning out goddammit, and you were going to take a gander at Billy Cruddup’s animated cock.
Now, I understand the intent behind him being always naked. He’s so out of touch with humanity that he doesn’t feel the need to even dress himself, blah blah blah, but you know what, you could have just shown his dick once and it could have been implied that we was naked every other time we saw him. But they showed it over and over and over.
And now that I’ve spent three paragraphs bitching about Dr. Manhattan’s johnson, I’ll sum everything else up in one more sentence. I know that this movie was never meant to be a movie and I understand what the critics meant when they said it couldn’t be done.
Yeah, the book is definitely better than the movie.
And I haven’t even read the book.