Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Next They’ll Be Saying It’s Good For You March 20, 2009

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 11:43 pm

As I was flipping through my bathroom magazine while, um, thinking, this morning, I came across the MOST ludicrous promotion of organic, all-natural farming ever. It was an American Spirits ad. They are marketing their cigarettes as the only cigarettes made with 100% organic tobacco.


I will preface this entire rant with the fact that I smoked for almost 10 years, and I was well aware of the damage that cigarettes do to your body. I’m not THAT naïve. I also still have a cigarette once in a blue moon when I am really hammered. It’s not cigarettes I am raging against here. It’s this particular marketing strategy.


I have spent the last few hours trying to figure out how to best verbalize my absolute disgust with this marketing strategy. I’ve come about halfway so what you might get is raging mixed with nonsense words, but I’m going to try.


I just find this to be the absolute most unscrupulous abuse of the whole organic kick yet. Ok, so organic tobacco, um, does that mean that it’s not addictive? Nope. Still addictive. Does that mean it’s healthier for you? Nope. You’ll still get lung cancer.


So who the fuck cares if the tobacco is organic or not? I mean, if smoking all-natural cigarettes run the same risk as the good ol’ fashioned tar filled cancer sticks loaded with chemicals, why the hell would you opt to spend more for the same health risk?


I guess some people would say it’s the flavor.


I was almost over my rage when I went to the American Spirits website. Now the rage is renewed once more.


This site actually has the gall to have “Eco Tips” on each page. Examples include:

Buy your water by the gallon. If you buy bottled water, make use of your grocery store’s water vending machines and refillable water jugs. It’s far cheaper, consumes less resources, and the water is just as good.”

Buy reusable shopping bags. Get some reusable bags for grocery shopping and say “neither” to the question, “paper or plastic?”


Here are some tips that they don’t include:


Don’t throw used cigarette butts out of your car window. This not only creates litter on the highway, there is the chance the butt with ricochet into someone else’s open window and horribly burn their face.


Don’t contribute to the pollution of our air. When you smoke, harmful carcinogens are released in the air for others around you to breathe.


Also, there are just ridiculous smoker testimonials on the site. Here are some of those gems:

“I figure if you’re going to smoke, you should smoke something that’s actually natural.”


“From the moment that I smoked my first American Spirit menthol cigarette, I thought to myself, “So this is what I have been missing.” And I have been smoking this brand ever since.”


“I turned all my friends and family on to this wonderful brand and company. Now we all enjoy Natural American Spirits.”


I’d like to congratulate that last douche nozzle for really committing to the brand and getting everyone he knows addicted.


I am utterly repulsed by this ludicrous marketing strategy and, while I’ve had malice in the past towards American Spirits cigarettes, they are about to receive the full extent of my passive aggressive fury. This will include the following:

Calling your cigarettes poop every time I see them in a convenience store.
Telling people smoking American Spirits that they are smoking “100% Organic” cigarettes in a mocking tone
Kicking American Spirit cigarette butts extra hard when I see them on the sidewalk.


That’s right, American Spirits; hell hath no fury like a me scorned. Grrrrrrr.


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