I’ve lived in my apartment building for a little over six months now and I will fully admit it is an acquired taste that not everyone’s palette is suited for. You have to be able to romanticize alcoholism, drug use and prostitution. You also have to be able to sleep through sirens at all hours of the day and night (I live near 2 hospitals and a fire station).
I can do all of these things. But for those of you who can’t I thought I would take you on an imaginary tour of some of my delightful neighbors at my complex.
Ron Jeremy Doppelganger: Many of you have heard me talk of this creepy guy. He tries to be nice to me, but it just comes off as creepy, due mostly in part to the fact that he bears an eerie resemblance to Ron Jeremy. Minus the swaggering confidence. I always run into him when he is coming back from the pool or the elevator is taking waaaaaaay too long to get to my floor. If anyone is interested, I have his number. That’s right, he gave it to me and invited met o come over and hang out if I was ever bored.
Gerta: This is the nickname I have given to RJD’s apparent girlfriend. She is at least a foot taller then him and, from what I learned in the elevator today, she is hearing impaired. Very sweet though. But insanely tall and incredibly awkward. Still too good for RJD though. Also, she thought I was a nurse. I have no idea why.
Kat: Kat is AWESOME! Kat is between 45-50, I think and she adores my dog. She’s super sweet every time I see her and we will usually chill out for a few minutes and talk. Her hair is always wildly stacked atop her head in some semblance of a bun/ponytail and she’s always got some crazy dress on. Anyway, I like her. But I’m not going swimming with her like she’s requested.
Gross Pimp/Gross Drug Dealer: I’m not 100% on this one, but I have seen some naaaaasty women coming in and out of this place. Plus, I see a lot of the people that panhandle around my apartment going in to his unit. Every time I see him, he’s always leering at me. Even when I’m in my Care bear pajama pants doing laundry.
Lung Butter: I hope this guy doesn’t still smoke. His coughs are horrendous, but he’s a super sweet old black man on my floor. He apparently thought I was a school teacher.
T-Bag: This is a relatively new addition to my community. I met him while he was moving in and Zed of course took the liberty of getting in his way. He looks and sounds exactly like T-Bag from Prison Break. I hope he’s not psychotic.
Drunken Bitch: I’ve saved the best for last. She does not live on my floor (thank God), but I see her more than I see most people. She has this horrible little Pomeranian called Cuddles that barks like crazy any time another living thing comes near him. And then she responds by kicking him and saying, “CUDDLES SHUT THE FUCK UP!” She is always miserable looking and dressed like a tourist from Boca Raton. One day, she came at me from across the parking lot yelling at me that she was sick of my dog’s fucking barking and to keep him the fuck off the balcony. She realized halfway across the parking lot that she was yelling at the wrong person.
Another lovely story involves me riding the elevator down to the parking garage, her getting on the elevator on the second floor, jamming at what appeared to be the first floor button. Then I smelled the booze. At 11 in the morning. I asked her if she wanted the first floor. She looked at me unstably and said, “No, I need the second floor.” I looked at her and said, “This IS the second floor.” She then made a drunken laughing sound and ran off the elevator down the hall. God, I can’t stand her.
So, that’s some of the colorful characters in my building. To be fair, almost everyone there is super friendly. Sure they may not have all their teeth or they may smell like raw sewage, but they always greet you with a cheery hello and goodbye. And most of them would readily offer to help you if you need it.
How many of you could say that about your neighbors?