Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

This Week’s Lesson: Go to the Dentist Regularly April 28, 2009

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 9:29 pm

Because if you wait ten years and then go to the dentist like I did, you get to experience the most painful procedure ever performed on mankind. Ever. It was like child birth, leg amputation and passing a kidney stone all at once.




Not really that bad, but I did inadvertently cry from the pain.


See folks, when you don’t have your teeth regularly cleaned by a professional, plaque naturally builds up under the gums (gross, right?). When you finally get off your ass and go to the dentist, they have to get rid of that build up before they can even perform a routine cleaning.


It’s called a full mouth debridement and it is just as unpleasant as it sounds.


The dental hygienist takes these tools:



And then shoves it under your gums repeatedly scraping at your teeth. It’s like getting a tattoo under your gums with the world’s largest tattoo needle.


Now, I’m not ballsy enough to do this without some sort of pain stopper, so I did have an topical analgesic applied to my gums, so I didn’t really feel the front teeth, but, for some reason, it didn’t work in the back of my mouth, so I felt every single poke and prod back there.


If this weren’t enough, there’s an additional discomfort in having parts of the plaque build-up crack off and fall back INTO YOUR MOUTH. Ugh. That’s right. I swallowed some of my own plaque yesterday morning. It was not a proud moment.


About an hour later, the analgesic wore off. I thought all my teeth were going to fall out all day long. It hurt to chew a pretzel. Yes. A pretzel.


Derby practice eventually got me to focus on other areas of pain, so that by the time I got to bed, my teeth and gums didn’t hurt anymore.


So now I have to wait six weeks before my actual cleaning so my gums can heal properly.


But just so that I can have some discomfort in the meantime, I do have an appointment in two weeks to get four cavities filled. I look forward to going in to work looking like a stroke victim for a few hours.


Hmmm, I should start working on some stroke jokes for that day.


One Response to “This Week’s Lesson: Go to the Dentist Regularly”

  1. Chrstina Ostberg Thompson Says:

    I love it.
    I love it.
    I love it.
    You should stop by my clinic some day.
    It’s called flossing, people. The dentist doesn’t make it up to torment you, it actually does something.
    My rule of thumb: You only have to floss the ones you want to keep.
    I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they don’t care because they’ll just get dentures eventually. Did you know dentures only last five years?? Then you have to go pay for new ones. No thanks.

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