Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Thug Life: Why I’m so Gangster Now May 4, 2009

Filed under: No Common Sense — dulcedementia @ 11:37 pm

I never thought I would be so happy to see a Monday arrive.


Why would I say such a thing? Because, dear reader, I spent most of it awake and sober. And that is no way to spend a weekend.


It started Saturday morning when I woke up at 5:30 to get to work before 7 am for an all day categorization session that ended at 6:30. I went home got ready and then the boyfriend (now referred to as Stuart Smalley) and I headed down to Boulder to celebrate my friend’s birthday.


I had 2 beers at dinner and 2 beers at The Walrus and then stopped drinking when we went to the Foundry (yes, I fucking went to the Foundry again. No mocking!) since I knew I had to drive all the way back to Denver that night and be up early for more categorization goodness.


We got to the car, I flipped on the lights and away we went.


Only my lights didn’t flip all the way on. Only to parking lights. Which I didn’t notice until AFTER the cop pulled me over.


I was given the good advice by Stuart (upon reading the results, you may think it bad, but I swear, it was good and so do many other people) to refuse the breathalyzer, since I would absolutely fail it, and opt for a blood test. I told this to second cop who arrived on scene and I was handcuffed and taken to jail then and there.


I will remind you that I was drinking in Boulder, so I was taken to the Boulder Sheriff’s Department’s holding cell/drunk tank. That was the least scary jail I have ever been to (OK, I’ve never been to any other jails, but I would imagine they are worse). For real, I was the only girl there and I could say with confidence that I would have won had a brawl broken out.


My companions in the holding area were the following:


Underage DUID: He thought he was brought in for having a few sips of beer. He was actually brought in for being high as a mother effing kite. That and all the open, empty bottle of booze in the back seat. He was brought in a half an hour before me and was still there when I left because he could not find a sober friend to come pick him up.


Nerdy DUI: Not kidding, I could have fit this kid in my pocket. 110 pounds soaking wet. He was brought in because he was so drunk, he ran over one of those pointed barriers that prevent you from going the wrong way, popped all his tires and continued driving on them without realizing what had happened. The entire time he was there, he kept whining that he just wished they would “Charge me and freaking let me go. Seriously, I have so much shit to do tomorrow.” I just wanted to say, “Buddy, I think this is part of our punishment. Shut up and deal with it.” Also, he claimed he wasn’t that drunk, but he threw up 3 times while I was there.


Jewish DUI: This 140 pound douche nozzle showed up halfway through the night of fun and arrogantly announced, “I’m fucked son!” I wanted to punch this guy in the face about 20 minutes into his stay. He kept saying, “I’m Jewish, my dad is going to KILL me for this.” If the nerd was impatient, I don’t even have a word for what this kid was. Insufferable? After waiting only 30 minutes, he began going up to the police island every 15 minutes wanting to know when he was going to get released. When they told him it would be a while, he would come back and make smart remarks about the police while they were within hearing range. Smart, buddy, real smart.


Second DUI: This guy was the biggest of the group and he seemed to have split his pants at some point in the evening. Even though he was bigger than me, I probably could have taken him because he was relatively slow and clumsy. Also, he was barefoot because he had been wearing flip flops and they take your shoes when they begin processing (which reminds me, always remember to wear socks when you go out drinking. You never know…). It was his second DUI and he was gearing up for a 30 day prison sentence. He wasn’t so bad. Just grouchy.


What was so funny was that all of these manboys were totally indignant about their arrests and subsequent treatment in the holding area. They complained that they couldn’t have their cell phones. They complained that the TV channel was boring. They complained about the food at when they brought it out at 5 am (yes, I was there at 5 am).


I have never seen such a bunch of self-absorbed little brats in my life. I have decided I hate the generation after me. With the exception of Stuart. He’s cool.


The only thing I kept saying to them was I had to be at work at 7 am the next day. They didn’t really seem to get the concept. I don’t know if it was the working part or the 7 am part.


I did my best to be polite and courteous to the police staff because I knew they were only doing their jobs and they were tired too (God knows they’d had to deal with these kinds of douches all night). I thought, overall, they were very nice and they seemed to be having a good time despite having to deal with the pricks every once in a while.


At around 5, I got the OK to call a ride to get picked up. I called Stuart and he arranged a ride with a friend that hadn’t been drinking to come pick me up.


Soon after that, we had to be put in actual holding cells for the shift change. I have to say, that was the best part of the night because, since I was the only girl, I got a cell to myself and I didn’t have to listen to those whiners anymore. I dozed, but I didn’t get much more than half sleep because I knew they were going to be discharging me soon.


At around 5:30, I heard one of the male police officers say, “She’s good, you can let her out, but leave those assholes in there.” So, I got out of the holding cell and waited around to be released again.


Finally, at around 6 am, I was called up to the island to get my personal effects and a check for $16 (I had $46 in cash upon arriving, that they put into a money machine and they have a $30 booking fee that they deducted from my cash).




I was released to a smiling boyfriend and the awesome, sober driver he brought with him.


Next order of business: let my boss know I would be a little late to work. Here’s the text:


Me: I’m gonna be about 30 minutes late to work. I just got released from Boulder County Jail. No effing joke.

Boss: I can’t wait to here the story behind this. 🙂

I got home, changed out of my nice going out clothes and put on sweatpants, a sweatshirt and a hat. Then headed off to work, where I worked on categorization non stop for 12 hours. I finally called it quits around 7-7:30 that evening. Went home, started some laundry and dozed on the couch while it washed and dried. I finally got in bed at 10:30 last night.


It is going to take me days to catch up on all the sleep I missed this weekend.


And I’m still working on categorization.


8 Responses to “Thug Life: Why I’m so Gangster Now”

  1. Stuart Says:

    Thoughts on the evening –

    Teaching a cop how to operate the door to your car and getting abandoned at a gas station in the middle of Boulder was a great was to end the evening.

    I didn’t really realize the gravity of the situation until I heard the distinctive *click* of the handcuffs being tightened around your wrists. I then knew I’d be awake all morning.

    Watching you get driven away in the back of a cop car is quite possibly the funniest/depressingest things I’ve ever seen.

    I probably won’t be going back to Boulder anytime soon.

  2. Brad Example Says:

    That’s our Dulce!

  3. Brian Says:

    Jail sounds so glamorous! 😉

  4. ladysmith Says:

    whoever is giving you flack about refusing the breathalyzer hasn’t gotten/had a friend get a DUI for being .001 over the limit.
    I would totally do the same.
    in TX we can opt to refuse all testing and have our license revoked, unless of course it’s a “no refusal night” and then we get our blood forcibly drawn (which I have my own problems with, it should be one’s choice) but it still buys some time and the difference between a one hundredth of a point.

  5. Tiffany Says:

    If you need a ride anywhere in the future just let me know. Sorry to hear the tiny difference that .003 makes. 😦

  6. This is why I don’t drive. Ever. When you come home after drinking on the subway, there’s always at least 3 people waaaay drunker than you. Sorry your night sucked so bad. Glad it was at least entertaining.

    • dulcedementia Says:

      Yeah, I learned my lesson. Apparently so did my car since it went and died on me only a few days later. Since then I have not gotten behind the wheel of a car after even the smallest amount of alcohol has been consumed. I never want to go through all this BS again.

  7. […] probation next week. If you don’t know the story behind the probation, you should probably catch up. I can’t tell you how I excited I’ll be to not have to pay $50 and make the trek all the way […]

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