Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Dulce and The Men: What I’ve Learned from the Men I’ve Let into My Life June 25, 2009

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 10:13 pm

OMG, I thought I had posted this about two weeks ago. I suck. Posting now.

 

Just FYI, I hadn’t intended this to become such a long post, but the writing was cathartic, so I understand if you’ve got to read this in sections or you don’t make it all the way through.

 

Recently, I had a rather unpleasant experience involving my most recent ex and, sadly, the result was the end of a friendship that was just beginning to re-form. But I learned a lot and it got me thinking about all of the things I’ve learned about myself and my relation to others around me. To think about every break up as a failure is a very pessimistic way to live life and only leave one dwelling on the past, so I try and think about the lessons I’ve learned and apply them to the future.

 

So, here, without further to do, is the list of my serious relationships and what I learned from each one.

 

Mr. Baseball

He was my first love. We met through a mutual friend my sophomore year of college and instantly hit it off. He was pretty nerdy, studying pre-law. He introduced me to Law & Order. Most of my time with him was spent drinking and chain smoking in his dorm room. This was also the first time I got my heart broken.

 

When he came over to my dorm room to break up with me, I could smell liquor on his breath and I got pretty upset at him for not having the balls to break up with me sober. Turn out, his ex girlfriend wanted him back and he accepted before we broke up. Eventually, they broke up again, but not before I moved into the dorm room right next to him in the ultimate masochistic move.

 

The weeks that followed were a tangle of me writing a lot of dark poetry and getting drunk and yelling at him in the bathroom. Eventually, I caused the breakup that I wanted. And I got him back for a bit. Until he started seeing another girl. Not able to lose, I completely used every ounce of my sexuality to get him to do whatever I wanted. That is, whatever I wanted until I left the room. I finally saw that what I was doing to myself and to him was wrong and told him that we needed to stay away from each other for a while until we could be around each other without ruining the other person’s life. He actually ended up dropping out of school and moving home before we were able to reconcile.

 

Damage Done:

I spent far too long chasing after something that I couldn’t have and the result was the darkest period of my life to date. I did not treat myself with the respect that I deserved and did not realize that even though I thought I was getting what I wanted, I was really giving away energy and care to someone who really shouldn’t have been receiving it.

 

The Lessons I Learned:

From that point on, I never used my sexuality as a weapon in a relationship because I saw the kind of damage it did. I learned that I did not want a doormat for a boyfriend and that I couldn’t be the only spine in a relationship.

 

Song that best captures the relationship:

Bjork “Five Years”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6aB_BcnJNA

 

 

The Foreigner

This wealthy gentleman from the United Arab Emirates swept me off my feet from the get go. He was charming, well-educated, extremely intelligent and impeccably dressed. By all exterior accounts he was deliriously perfect. This was also the first marriage proposal I got. I never said yes (or maybe I repressed that memory), but once things got serious, he started changing.

 

He became possessive and argumentative. We fought about religion constantly (he was Muslim, I was agnostic at the time) and he kept telling me that when I came to live with him in UAE, I would have to be fully covered (not burka covered, but arms and legs covered). Slowly but surely, he pulled me away from my friends. So much so that they expressed concern to me about the way he was controlling me, but I brushed it off.

 

The relationship ended one fateful night after my sorority formal when he uttered the fateful line, “You need to choose between your friends and me.” Suddenly, I saw everything for what it was and I said quietly, “Then I choose my friends.” He asked teat I pull the car over and I obliged, but when I realized he was getting out of the car, I hit the gas, causing him to tumble out of my car in a tuxedo. It became the best break up story I have.

 

He ended up dropping out of school and moving back to the United Arab Emirates. I hear he has returned to his strict Muslim roots, grew a beard and vowed never to date an American woman again.

 

Damage Done:

I was incredibly distrustful of men for a long time. I was convinced they had ulterior motives for just about everything they did and that there was double meaning in everything they said. It took a long time for me to believe that not all men were divisive.

 

Lessons I Learned:

Your friends know best. If they say your boyfriend is a douche, he is a douche. There is no, “Well, you just aren’t seeing the side I do” because they are not blinded by love. Also, no truly good man would ever make you distance yourself from your friends, he will like your friends too because they represent areas of your personality. Also, your friends would never make you choose, why should a boyfriend? Also, OK, I wanted a spine, but I didn’t want someone controlling my life.

 

Song that Best Captures the Relationship:

Gnarls Barkley “Transformer”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsZDHYHEx1k

 

 

The Husband

The husband was also actually a foreigner. We met in the states but he had to go back to Peru soon after, so I followed about 5 months later. He was kind and intelligent and his sweet demeanor was what lured me in. In Peru, he was outgoing and social, the life of the party. After living in Peru for about 8 months, we moved back to the states and he spent the next 6 years complaining about every single aspect of American life.

 

He refused to make friends, he isolated himself, he refused to hang out with my friends and put up a fuss whenever I wanted to. During our seven years together, I shared the most intense relationship I ever have because of our completely opposite personalities and cultural experiences. We were either loving hard or fighting hard and the roller coaster finally took its toll about six years in. From that point on, neither one of us was really in the relationship. We were just going through the motions. I initiated the divorce.

 

Damages Done:

Because of his hatred of my “American” sexuality and his belief that all American girls were basically whores, I hid a lot of that aspect of myself during the time we were together trying to be the “pure” girl he said he always wanted but never got. For a long time, I was afraid to cause any conflict or waves in a relationship because I was afraid the result would be a 3 day fight.

 

Lessons I Learned:

This girl needs to get hers and it is just wrong to suppress my sexuality to try and be someone I’m not. In tandem with that, I learned that I should never be anyone but myself in a relationship. If someone tries to make me be someone I’m not, they’re lame. Also, I learned that I am just not the marrying type. I have no problems with commitment, but marriage is dumb.

 

Song that Best Captures the Relationship:

Annie Lennox “Little Bird”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4wZCKQom1w

 

 

Mr. Supercomputer

This guy was the pinnacle of nerdom (that’s a VERY good thing for me since I only date nerds) and he absolutely wowed me with his intelligence and his overall zeal for life and not wasting time on things that are boring or downers. We were together for around 11 months and never fought once. It was the most wonderful relationship I have ever had.

 

However, the relationship ended abruptly when he simply decided it was time for us to be friends rather than a couple. There was no real logical reason given and I was left absolutely wrecked for 5 months. Due to the nature of the breakup, this was the absolute worst relationship I have ever had and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

 

I spent months wondering if he would change his mind because he said he might when we broke up. Every email from him after the break up caused my head to spin and my heart to skip a beat. I would spend hours sobbing for no reason because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me that he would not want to be with me anymore. I was convinced it was my fault, that I had done something wrong. Finally after about 4 or 5 months I realized that there was nothing wrong with me and all the comforting words spoken at the break up were just that, words to make me stop crying. They weren’t true. He just needed to say them so that he didn’t have to see my heart breaking in front of him anymore.

 

Damage Done:

Even when I started dating someone new, I was petrified I was going to get dumped for no reason. I spent every waking moment trying to be perfect so that the new gentleman would not break up with me since that would prove that the previous boyfriend had broken up with me because of something I had done. In between the two relationships, I spent a lot of time telling myself that I would always be alone because if I couldn’t keep a guy that I had a near perfect relationship with, there was nothing I could do to keep anyone. I was damaged goods and I did not deserve anyone.

 

Lessons I Learned:

There is a difference between being selfish and standing up for yourself and I will never let myself get walked all over like that again. I deserve. I deserve to be treated like someone special and not just another girl. I’m a dope girlfriend and any guy who dates me is a lucky son-of-a-bitch.

 

Song that Best Captures the Relationship:

Frou Frou “Hear Me Out”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qkeiREEh28

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One Response to “Dulce and The Men: What I’ve Learned from the Men I’ve Let into My Life”

  1. Tiffany Says:

    You are a dope girlfriend. And that last guy can suck it. In fact. I think they can all suck it and then cry in their pillows for losing you out of sheer stupidity on their parts.


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