You would think with a title like that and knowing me that I accidentally said something I shouldn’t have to the wrong person and paid for it dearly. Well, actually, I did, but that’s a story for another day. This one is about my mouth, not the words that come out of it. It’s about my mouth and why I hate deductibles. I hate deductibles because I have had all the work I can have done on my mouth for the year and have it covered by insurance.
How did I use up all my precious, precious deductible in six short months, you ask? Well, don’t go to the dentist for ten years and then tell me how many cavities you have after having the tartar build up scraped mercilessly from below your gum line by a sadist with blonde highlights. Actually, I was pretty impressed with my six. I was pretty sure that I would have more, but, as it turns out, six is enough.
The magic number for my insurance was actually four. Four cavities filled before they went, OK, DONE! No more half price fillings for your mouth. No free cleaning for you! We hate you and your rotten teeth!
So, I had the four cavities filled and as the dentist is working, he comments, “Wow, any closer and you’d need a root canal.” Now, I’m thanking my lucky stars that he’s able to gets these fuckers filled without be having to have a root canal. I hear they suck. In fact, they suck so much; people use them as reference when describing how unpleasant they find other activities.
For example: “I’d rather get a root canal than sit through another episode of ‘A Baby Story’ on TLC.”
God that show is like my fucking kryptonite. Just thinking about it is making my left ovary shrivel and I *think* I can feel my uterus gag a little.
I digress. The dentist finishes up the filling procedure, I swallow very little of my tooth detritus thanks to a tooth condom, and I’m on my merry way.
Yeah, the teeth hurt for a while, but the hygienist said they would.
Then I get the bill.
Then I have to get a DUI lawyer.
Guess which bill takes precedence? Yup. Guy who is going to help me keep my license wins every effing time.
So, now I owe my dentist a not small amount of money for these four fillings.
It’s a month later and my mouth is in agony. I am popping pills as fast as I can to keep the pain down, but now not even four Advil is working.
And now all I can hear is this faint echo of my dentist going, “Any closer and it would be a root canal-anal-anal-anal (That was an echo people, not just me typing anal over and over.).”
Now we come to the conundrum. I can’t go to my dentist because I owe them a sizable amount for these useless fillings in my mouth that actually hurt MORE than the unfilled cavities on the other side of my mouth. I can’t go to an oral surgeon because I have no more deductible left on my insurance. And without my insurance, a root canal other this size is going to be at least $2K.
So, does anybody want to buy a kidney? My liver is a waste of space, but the kidney is a fucking champ. What about a part of an intestine? I’ve got miles of that shit; I figure I can give some of it up.
Or maybe I can trade you something for nearly expired pain medication that sits at the back of your medicine cabinet. What do you say, I’ll give you a backrub (NO happy ending) and you give me your unused Percocet. I have essential oils. They are very relaxing and add to the massage experience.
I could have a kick-a-thon. Let people kick me in the shins for $10 a piece. It’s for a good cause, plus I am so clumsy that I lost most of the feeling in my shins a long fucking time ago. And the moderate pain that I feel will distract me from my stupid effing mouth.
I am open and amenable to all other forms of fundraising that you can suggest. Yes, there can be slight torture involved and yes, shame is fine. I lost most of that a long time ago, so, you know. I’m ok with a little more.
To end this post, I am going to leave you with a really gross image that is mostly unrelated to this post, but I thought of it while I was writing.
A dry-heaving uterus. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Good Lord, what’s wrong with me?