Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Spill the Wine (or Beer) July 2, 2009

Filed under: Blush Face — dulcedementia @ 10:44 pm

I am sort of house sitting for a friend (dropping by, making sure the place hasn’t burnt down, getting her mail, watching her cable) and I decided to stay at her place last night. This morning my alarm went off and it surprised the hell out of me and since I am not entirely used to the distance between the bed and the nightstand, I was stretching really far. Suddenly, I felt myself start to fall; I began flailing to get my feet out from under the sheets, but only became tangled up in the blankets. The result was a three foot fall down to the wood floor. I was completely fine, just wounded my pride a bit since I haven’t fallen out of bed since I was five.


Then I started thinking about things more and more and I realized that it’s no different than all of my other spazzy moves that I make daily. It’s like I’m completely aware of corners and cups that are within range of my body. If I go out for an evening of drinking around a table, chances are incredibly high that I will knock over someone’s beer with either my boobs (when I sit down or lean over the table), my arms (when I spastically go to give someone a hug or gesture wildly) or my hips (when I bump the corner of the table to get up and go to the bathroom or somewhere else). In fact, I’m going to say that a day without me knocking something over with these body parts is a day that is completely out of the ordinary.


If I am not knocking over something, I am running in to something. Last week, I ran straight into the full length window right next to the door to my apartment complex while going to take my dog for a walk. I should mention I’ve lived at this place for almost a year now. I know that window is there. And I still walked right into it.


Some of my friends will tell you the time I got pulled over in Boulder (not the most recent episode, but one several years before) for my lights not being on and was given a roadside sobriety test after having a beer about two hours before. I failed the sobriety coordination exercises. Totally sober. The officer even made a comment about my lack of coordination (hence the reason I declined the roadside tests the last time around).


Going in to a store like Pier One is a nightmare for me. I spend the entire time making sure that I have adequate space between me and every piece of glass, ceramic or wood carving in the store. I typically leave covered in sweat. Or with a broken wine glass.


It’s like I have no actual concept of where my body is at any given time. I see where I’m going, but somehow, I don’t see the obstacles on the periphery of my body (or, with the case of the window, I see through them). Sometimes I wish that I could figure out a way to be better in tune with my surroundings in relation to where my body is.


So, I’m just going to go ahead and apologize to any one of you that end up drinking with me. At some point, I will spill your beer. At some point, I will probably accidentally hit your nose or poke you in the eye. And at some point I will more than likely…oh shit!


Sorry. Let me go get some napkins.


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