Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Solarbabies: Yes. This is a Real Movie. July 10, 2009

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 7:55 pm

The topic of this movie came up over the twitter on Monday with my good pal @Bi11y. That’s right, when I talk to him in real life, I say, “Hey, At Billy, what’s shakin?” I had never seen this movie before and Billy proclaimed it to be the worst movie ever made. After that, he said he’d seen it four times. Well, I have to say, a movie so bad that it makes you want to see it four times is something of an enigma so on to the Netflix queue it went and I bumped it to number one.


And folks, Billy was right. This is quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. Yet for some reason, I am compelled to watch it again with friends. In fact, I actually took two days to watch this movie. That’s right; I turned it off 45 minutes through Wednesday night and then finished it up last night because I had to see the whole thing.


So, here’s how I imagine the brainstorming session for this movie went:


“Alright guys, so, what I want to do is make something like Mad Max, but for the kiddies and the damned hippies. What have you got?”


“Well, Burt, the kids seem to really like roller skating at the rinks and stuff. What if we made the 6 main characters do everything on roller skates whether it makes sense or not?”


“Brilliant, Steve, now what do we do about these hippies that are saying we’re ruining the environment?”


“What about if we call the post-apocalyptic wars the Eco-Wars, then say that the government is regulating and rationing the water, creating the barren landscape. They’re like the socialists, see? THEN we make the government less likeable because they force these kids into orphanages that amount to jails.”


“Nice. So, how do we make the point that capitalism is good?”


“We create an alien ball of light that telepathically communicates with the kids on skates. That ball of light wants to free the water from the government so everyone can have as much as they want. We’ll name it, Bodhi.”


“I like where this is going, gentlemen. Now about the skates. Why are they going to initially wear them?”


“Well, how about we make up a game that involves roller skates, a ball and a weird basket in the middle. And we’ll borrow the aggressive play from roller derby. We won’t ever have to revisit the game again in the movie, but it will establish way they love their skates.”


“Brilliant! I’ll have some funds by the end of the week.”


And, thus, Solarbabies was born.


First thought I had while watching this was whether or not Jason Patric has ever made a good career move in his life? Jamie Gertz (of still Standing fame and fortune) also plays a key role and looks eerily the same age then as she does now. Only difference is she no longer has mall bangs. Oh, and the best part, Adrian Pasdar with mother fucking BRAIDS, y’all. It was awesome casting.


The costumes were great. There was no thought put into what people in a future involving no water and very little natural resources might wear. They simple took what people were wearing in 1985 and dirtied it up a bit (for the orphans) or added even MORE shoulder pads to it (for the government officials). For a world with no clouds or moisture, very few people actually wore hats.


This movie picked up, and then dropped so many plot lines that you would think they were a drunken wide receiver for the Detroit Lions. There was some sort of wild, white Indian tribe living in the dessert. They were going to give more advice to Darstar (Adrian Pasdar) about what to do with the orb. Then they all get killed by the government in one night. They even kill Darstar’s owl. And he cries. Then, there’s the journey to the city called “Tiretown” which is made of, you guessed it, tires. People work to melt down the rubber from tires. What is used for or where the fuck they get the tires, I don’t know. There’s also apparently a thriving prostitution industry in Tiretown. Then there’s the oasis. I won’t even get into that.


The movie’s name is the name of the roller team that plays at the very beginning and then never plays again or mentions their team name again. Now, as someone who has been playing an aggressive roller skating sport for three years, I’m going to get technical. Only one of those joker’s stunt doubles could properly speed skate or t-stop. Their form for an aggressive skate game was all wrong. Watching the actual actors skate was the most painful thing I have ever seen. I found myself yelling “Get LOW!” at the TV screen twice.


Also, the soundtrack to this movie sounds like setting number four (Calypso Horns) on a Casio keyboard.


I could go one for several pages, but I’ll wrap up here.


This movie was God awful. But I want to watch it again with someone. I want to watch it with someone so I can share the joy of mercilessly mocking this movie the entire way through.


But now I’ve returned the movie and I’ve come to the hardest part. Do I give this thing one star on Netflix because it was so awful or do I give it five stars because I want to watch it again and again?


What a fucking conundrum.


2 Responses to “Solarbabies: Yes. This is a Real Movie.”

  1. Quizmaster Awesome Says:

    Umm…these movie rules. I rent it every few years and gave it a solid 4 stars. The quasi-Indian is Nathan from Heroes! Learn something new each viewing.

  2. steph davis Says:

    Wow. I have such a hard time watching movies. Usually the “thought-provoking yet still mainstream” movies that everyone loves, I find torture to get through, knowing I could be doing anything more productive, like sleep or vacuum. This review was more enjoyable than the last 3 movies I saw. Thanks!

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