For the last two years, my daily pill regimen has consisted of Zyrtec and no-baby pills. I have it down to a mechanical art. Wake up. Brush teeth. Walk dog. Take pills. Shower. Get dressed. Frantically run to catch bus because I fell asleep in the shower.
However, this year, my pill-taking habits have been smattered with mucinex, Sudafed, steroids, Vicks 44, Nyquil, Dayquil, Ricola and a few strong painkillers that start with the letters V, F or P (if you can’t figure those out, then congratulations, you have never been in searing pain).
I have been sick on and off for the better part of the year with the same blasted cold/flu. Every time my chest would finally clear up, my nose would start to tickle. Then the sneezing, then the runny nose, then tight chest coughs that keep me up all night coupled with what can only be described as a mucus geyser (that’s a great phrase that just doesn’t get used enough) coming out my nose, then a loose phlegmy cough and a raw, flaky nose. This would eventually taper off after about a month or so, and then about a week later, the nose tickles would start again.
I feel absolutely awful for Boyfriend, because to him, I must seem like the sickliest little girl that ever walked the earth. In reality, I don’t get sick with colds that often. Until this year. I have tended to be fairly lucky in my health. And I do mean lucky because I sure as shit didn’t do too much to promote good health.
Although, I have to hand it to him, it takes a pretty awesome guy to look you square in your puffy, bloodshot, watering eyes and call you “Babe,” when you are tits deep in Kleenex and self-pity.
The more times I get, the more I start to worry that I have something seriously wrong with me. I worry that it’s my immune system shutting down. I worry that I have some incurable strain of the cold. This is an odd phenomenon for me, since I am the farthest thing from a hypochondriac. In fact, it typically takes the presence of blood from an unnatural place to make me even go see a doctor.
I have been to the doctor several times this year. I have been to an ENT specialist. I have had X-Rays, blood tests and scopes shoved up my nose. And it appears that my doctor has finally figured out the problem.
Apparently, I have such bad allergies that a daily allergy pill is not assuaging the allergen onslaught on my body.
Now, every morning, I take my Zyrtec and my no-baby pills. And then I follow that up with Nasonex and a fucking inhaler.
That’s right, this bitch has to swallow, snort and inhale allergy medicine every effing day.
Oh. And the Nasonex and inhaler? Yeah, I take that twice a day.
The inhaler is also not one of those nice, inconspicuous red inhalers that everyone had. Yes, it has the little canister that you push down on, but instead of going into that tiny little compartment that the red inhalers this has, I push down and the inhaled stimulant is sprayed into a tube the size of a fucking muffler for a tricked out ’66 Dodge Charger. And I look like I’m sucking on the goddamned exhaust pipe.
It’s so big; the thing could actually be a really boring, all white transformer. Yeah, the puffer part pulls out of the muffler-sized tube, and folds up. When I’m done, it folds away and just looks like some harmless cylinder and the playground punch invitation that it actually is.
Oh, and I have to take four puffs every morning and four puffs every night.
I cannot believe that the height of my nerdiness is actually going to be my faulty immune system. I really thought it was the night I identified almost all the Nazi sympathizers in a sight round for Geeks Who Drink. What can I say? I have a knack for remembering the names of absolute shitheads in black and white photos.
My bathroom counter is covered with drugs (I’m also on some heavy-duty antibiotics for a subsequent sinus infection) and NONE of them are fun. All they do is make me feel like I will more than likely get beat up by some bully with wild, red curls and large freckles dotting his face. Also, he is always wearing a striped shirt for some reason.
The worst part is that, even though my doctor is pretty sure the “colds” are actually my allergies going absolutely haywire, he’s not 100% and I’m just taking my nerdy ass drugs to see if they work. Even if they do work, I still don’t know what the hell it is that is causing me to have such violent allergic reactions.
But I guess for now, I should just be happy that I haven’t had any cold-like symptoms in the past few weeks. Although, every time I have a sniffle or a tickle in my throat, I start to panic, hoping it’s not another…well…whatever it is.
Meantime, I’m just going to lay low and hope no menacing bullies that look like they’re straight out of a Lil Rascals movie find out that I have to take an inhaler, a pill and a, um, nasal squirter in order to pass as a normal, non-sick human being.
And if you see me furiously sucking on an exhaust pipe some night, take a closer look, there’s a good chance it’s my inhaler.
I think sucking on an actual exhaust pipe is bad for my allergies.