Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Mind Games: Someone Please Turn Me Off January 22, 2010

Filed under: Ooooh, Shiny, Pretty — dulcedementia @ 5:12 pm

Most of the people I am friends with in real life know that, when talking to them, there is a chance that I will just stop midsentence and have a hard time picking back up. Some people may think it’s because I’m out of it or drunk or just tired, but it’s actually quite a different explanation. Many times, while I’m holding a conversation I am running through four or five scenarios in my head. Sometimes I am thinking of something that occurred earlier that day or something that is happening later.

Occasionally, I am analyzing the person I’m talking to (I’m really good at that). Watching their body language and listening to what they are really saying. Sometimes I’m watching someone else and trying to figure out what they are doing or thinking.

My point is that, at any given time, my mind is racing. Occasionally, I will get so far away in my mind that I will lose track of the conversation I am carrying on outside of my head. That’s when I will stop talking and completely forget what I was saying.

I’m not saying this because I want everyone to excuse my behavior. I’m saying this because it drives me nuts and lately it’s gotten worse.

Too. Many. Thoughts.

I can’t seem to turn my brain off lately. It’s been virtually impossible for me to quiet my head. While talking with people, while lying in bed at night, while watching TV, while reading a book, while ice skating, while doing effing yoga.

It doesn’t help that I’ve started reading more science-themed books lately. For example, right now, I’m reading a book called “The Elegant Universe” by Brian Greene and it’s all about string theory and quantum physics. I’m not very far into it, but the stuff I’m learning is just blowing my mind in all the right places. Unfortunately, I keep imagining atoms at a subatomic level when I should really be focusing on doing something else.

I find myself analyzing conversations that I had with friends while I’m at work. I find myself analyzing situations that occurred at work while I’m at home. Hell, I’m even writing a blog in my head as I work on projects for the company website.

The crazy part is that, with the exception of conversations falling off midsentence, I feel like I’ve been performing at a higher level at work. I feel like I’ve been able to juggle several large projects at once while still thinking about what Christian Bale looks like totally naked (but without a chainsaw and covered in blood). And while the conversations may make me seem like I’m absent minded, I remember about 95% of what has been said if I’m sober. And if by some amazing feat, there is undivided attention, it’s almost 100%. Really, I remember everything. It’s creepy.

I don’t know what happened to me. Maybe, in some X-Files-esque government cover up, the FBI made my brain super human in December. Maybe I bumped my head and somehow freed up brain space. Maybe I’m finally using my brain the way other people do. Who knows.

All I know is that sometimes I really, really, really want it to stop. There are a lot of days when my mind goes too fast for my body. It makes my heart race, my mouth goes dry and my head throbs. There are days that I spend much time trying to keep up with my brain that I forget to eat (today would be one of those days).

There are also days when I don’t want it to stop. Days where I come up with ideas left and right and my communication is spot on. On these days, I’m unstoppable and it’s like I’ve had several cups of coffee without having anything more than water. It’s like this crazy high that I’ve got from taking absolutely no type of drugs.

I would say for the most part, I like my new brain, but sometimes, when I’ve laid in bed for 2 hours without being able to sleep all because I’m trying to figure out how a sub-atomic strong could vibrate different ways to make a proton or a neutron, while day dreaming about being in Ravenclaw and trying to figure out how to make the case for a private micro-blogging site at my company, I really wish the damn thing would shut the fuck off.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to turn this effing thing off?


3 Responses to “Mind Games: Someone Please Turn Me Off”

  1. Enya Says:

    Honey, I hate to say it, but this is a huge symptom of mania. I get it too. Especially with the physical symptoms. Are you sleeping?

  2. Charli Says:

    I used to have that, then I found alcohol and that helps.

  3. Cassie Says:

    Oh man, I know the feeling. The sad thing is that yeah, alcohol does help, as does ADD medication, but those both bring on their own set of issues.

    I’ve found that the best way for me to work with the constant chatter in my head is to simply prioritize the thoughts. I’ve never succeeded in turning them off… Hell, right now, I’m entering payroll, registering for jazzercise, shopping online for flower girl dresses, trying to mentally create a shopping list for my superbowl party, quietly hating my coworker, wondering why I got fired from my writing job a year ago, answering the telephone….

    And writing this.

    I’ve only recently been able to deal with these kinds of torrential thoughts in a prioritizing manner. I think of it as though I’m in a press conference, and all of the thoughts are reporters asking for my attention. I just try to pick one, do my best with it, and move on to the next one. It takes a certain kind of self-discipline, but I’ve been medication-free for about five months now, and I don’t see myself going back.

    I don’t know if this helps… but if nothing else, just know you’re not alone.

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