Well, it was a lovely day out, and I ventured down to Civic Center Park for a little sun and a stop by the public library. If you have not been to Civic Center Park in the middle of a nice day, you have missed one hell of a hobo convergence. I know. Poor you. Anyway, it got me thinking about all of the reasons I could never be a hobo and I thought I would list them here in no particular order for shits and giggles.
10. I would spend too much time art directing my panhandling sign. “Dammit, the kerning on this is just all off! I’m never going to get any dollar bills with this crap.”
9. I always pick the shopping cart with the janky wheel. That drives me near bananas in a grocery store for 30 minutes. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that for, well, always.
8. Malt liquor gives me diarrhea. What can I say, I have champagne tastes. And picky intestines.
7. I have stage fright. This sort of goes along with number 8 (or, rather, number 2); I have a real problem “going” in public bathrooms if I think someone can hear. That does not bode well for someone whose bathroom is always somewhere public.
6. I hate, hate, hate sweating. Really. It makes me feel all sticky and then I get grouchy. No one gives money to a grumpy hobo.
5. I’m incredibly self-conscious about my potential body odor. And this is coming from someone who showers every day. At the end of the day, I still hope and pray I’m emanating nothing but pleasant or neutral smells.
4. Baby wipe or sponge baths only cut it for about three days. I camp, so I have done the baby wipe bath, and while it can work for a couple days, at some point, water flowing over my entire body needs to be used to clean me off.
3. I can’t wear filthy or worn out clothing. Even if I was wearing acid wash jeans and a John Deere track jacket, I couldn’t wear it for more than two days in a row because, well, it would get sweaty and probably start to stink.
2. It would wreak havoc on my back. If I sleep on the ground, rest assured, my back will be screaming the next day. I mean just spasming all over the place.
1. I like having teeth. They’re nice. I think.