Stories from the ‘Fax

Playboy called it “the longest, wickedest street in America.” Yup. Colfax is known for its hookers, booze and mayhem, but I still really love the street. It’s got more character in several blocks than many towns have in all of their streets combined. The stories people have from walking, driving or, god help you, biking (seriously, bike down 14th, you run a much higher chance of survival) down this street always make me smile.

I have several really great stories or moments from Colfax that I would like to share with you that have made me laugh or pause and go, “Wait. What?” Feel free to share your Colfax stories in the comments section. I would love to hear a few as well as tell them.

(Imagine all of these stories told with flailing hand gestures and animated facial expressions)

Rolling

It was about midnight and I was getting a ride home from my friend Enya after an exciting DRD bout. At the intersection of Lincoln and Colfax, we stopped, waiting at the light. I looked over to my left and saw her. A hooker riding a big wheel. Across Colfax. First thing that went through my mind was, “Oh man, I haven’t seen a Big Wheel in for-fucking ever! Awesome!”

Then I realized what I was seeing. A hooker. A Big Wheel. Together at one of the busiest intersections in Denver.

Now, I’ll admit, it could have been a meth head. These days, I’m not very good at telling the difference between hooker and meth heads. Frequently they are both anyway. Hooker is more fun to say.

Caped Crusader

I was riding the 15 (for those of you not aware of the bus system in Denver, the 15 runs the length of Colfax and has a reputation for being a crazy bus ride) to the Bluebird District when the bus stopped to pick up passengers around Downing.

Suddenly a guy in his early 20s starts running along side the bus. This man is wearing jeans, no shirt and… a cape. Also, he had a white mask covering his face. He continued to run alongside the bus for a block jumping and wildly flipping us off with both hands.

I have no idea what we did to offend him so.

A Whale of a Tale

I was enjoying $1.75 margaritas with my friend Jessica at Emilio’s and we happened to have prime indoor seating right next to the window on Colfax. We were enjoying our drinks and conversation, occasionally stopping to people watch.

During one of those people watching moments, I notice a couple walking down the street, but what struck me as odd was the fact that the man, though dressed as such in all other respects, was wearing a thong and sporting some pretty short gym shorts. And this was a lacy blue thong.

My friend and I stared, trying to figure out why this guy was wearing a blue thong and just as I had almost written it off as a weird outfit choice and nothing more, he pulled his thong UP and pushed his shorts DOWN. Making it apparent that this thong was being shown on purpose.

Then Jessica suggested something I hadn’t even thought of: maybe it’s a woman and maybe she’s a hooker.

No way. That was a guy. It had to be. White crew socks, cross trainers, scraggly long hair with a Rocky’s Autos hat on top and backwards, men’s t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and beer belly. There was no way this was a woman. The only indication of that was that horrible blue thong.

Then he turned around, and my friend was proved right. He was a she. And she was the most horrific woman I have ever seen on Colfax. All the above still holds true, plus, the boobs. My god, the boobs. There was no support. No bra. They just melted into her giant beer belly. That had stretch marks. That weren’t covered by that shirt.

The best part was watching this woman approach a man about my age from behind. She tapped him on the shoulder and as he turned around, he jumped back about 10 feet and had a look of horror on his face. And stood their shaking his head violently until she left.

Then he saw my friend and I laughing at us. He came into the restaurant and said, “That is literally the most horrifying thing I have ever seen on Colfax.”

Indeed it was.