Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

The No Baby Clause September 15, 2010

Filed under: No Common Sense — dulcedementia @ 3:21 pm
Tags: , ,

“I don’t want to have kids.”

When I tell people this particular clause, many of them simply freeze up and stare at me like I’m a charging taun taun or something.

Some others look at me as though I’ve just said, “ I’d like to graft a penis onto my forehead.”

Like I just uttered words that would be the most regrettable decision I would ever make in my life. And let me tell you, grafting a wiener to my forehead would be a WAY worse decision than not having a baby.

I’m still sort of taken aback, in this day and age, that making a conscious decision not to have children results in shock.

But, trust me folks, this isn’t some passing thing. I have never really wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember. As every year passes, I come up with more and more reasons not to have children. Here are some of those reasons:

  • I do NOT change diapers. I don’t even like wiping my own ass. What makes you think I want to wipe the ass of a being that has been sitting on their shit and squishing it all over their skin?
  • I enjoy 6-8 hours of consecutive sleep. I do not enjoy being woken up by anything but my alarm clock when it’s set to go off. I get violent. My dog knows because he’s tried to wake me up early. It has resulted in a long string of curse words and usually my other pillow gets thrown across the room.
  • I do not want my lady parts ravaged by a mini human. It’s vain, I know. But I quite enjoy the current state of my lady pillows and my downstairs area. I don’t need to push something out and then let it gnaw on my chest for a year.
  • I need “me” time. I hear time to yourself is fairly hard to find when you are a mother and I like a goodly amount of time to myself. Hell, sometimes even having my dog around is too much and all he does is lay on the bed.
  • I currently do not wish to throw my social life into utter chaos. When you have a child, your social life changes drastically. Most of the time it becomes a thing of the past. And even though I may not be the life of every party, I still enjoy the freedom to be spontaneous and make spur of the moment plans.
  • Babies turn into toddlers turn into kids turn into teens. What part of this sounds appealing? I mean, you go from the mental exhaustion of cleaning up poo and puke to the physical exhaustion of having a tiny thing that can move more quickly than you but doesn’t have the common sense not to stick their finger in the light socket. Then teenagers? Honestly, the thought of me having a teen scares the shit out of me. I never want to have to endure it.
  • The sheer cost of raising a child. I can barely afford the bills I have now, why on earth would I want to add another huge amount on top of that.

Now, after all that, I will say that I have found being an aunt to be one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I’m actually quite good with children, both my sister and brother can attest to that. For about three hours. Then auntie Kelly needs a fucking beer, four Advil and a two-hour nap.

And don’t think I’m going to go around hating on all you beautiful, brave women that decide to have children. I am in awe of you and I have a ton of respect for your decision.

What can I say? I just want to keep that little box on my W-4 form a 0 or 1 for the rest of my life.

Awesomest Niece, Ava

Heart-melting Nephew, Diego

Funniest Niece Ever, Natalya


9 Responses to “The No Baby Clause”

  1. enyabiznass Says:

    I’d like to graft a penis onto my forehead. How did you know?

  2. Paul Roth Says:

    Sounds like a damned awesome clause to me. I agree with everything even though I have no lady parts.

  3. Rebecca B Says:

    Childfree for life! Yay! Someone else who “gets” it. My husband got snippity’d years ago so I didn’t have to. I’m the oldest of four siblings with 13 years between myself and the youngest. I’ve changed enough diapers in my life to have known from an early age me no makea tha behbies evar.

    • dulcedementia Says:

      Same for me! Oldest of four with 11 years separation between and my baby brother. Luckily, they’re all the breeding type, so the pressure is off me!

      • Rebecca B Says:

        Oh. That is good for you. None of my sibs want kids. My parents are actually happy they won’t be called gran- anything any time in the near future. We are all super close ie. my baby brother lives in my basement temporarily, my parents live 3 minutes away & my sister lives and works at the university 7 minutes away.
        We party together alot. Babies would interfere.

  4. Brad Example Says:

    As a proud and dedicated father, I support the notion that people who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them.

  5. […] desperation baby. I still don’t want a child and I believe I laid my reasons out very well in a past post. The realization I came to was this: I’m going to be going to these parties with more frequency […]

  6. Pursuing Our Passion Says:

    Thank you for putting my thoughts into a post! I’ve known for quite sometime that I didn’t want to have kids – and always find I need to justify my decision to people. I don’t make them justify why they want to have kids, so I never understand why I need to justify not wanting them.

    That being said, I share many of the same reasons as yourself – along with the fact that I love working. I’m a self proclaimed work/career-a-holic and I know that won’t change. What kid would benefit from having a work-o-holic parent? Amazingly, I no longer find that fact selfish. I actually consider it responsible that I know I wouldn’t be the best parent, and therefor am opting not to bring one into the world!

    All and all, cheers to knowing we’ll be great aunts! And (because I also read your post about kid’s parties), know that I will always be up for grabbing a child-free glass of wine – especially when everyone else is headed to the park with their double-seated deluxe baby strollers! 🙂


  7. […] and nutrients, then off my bank account for 18 long years. Yeah, I still haven’t eased up on that No Baby Clause. As terrifying as that thought is, the thought of not being able to control my own emotions is […]

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