“I don’t want to have kids.”
When I tell people this particular clause, many of them simply freeze up and stare at me like I’m a charging taun taun or something.
Some others look at me as though I’ve just said, “ I’d like to graft a penis onto my forehead.”
Like I just uttered words that would be the most regrettable decision I would ever make in my life. And let me tell you, grafting a wiener to my forehead would be a WAY worse decision than not having a baby.
I’m still sort of taken aback, in this day and age, that making a conscious decision not to have children results in shock.
But, trust me folks, this isn’t some passing thing. I have never really wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember. As every year passes, I come up with more and more reasons not to have children. Here are some of those reasons:
- I do NOT change diapers. I don’t even like wiping my own ass. What makes you think I want to wipe the ass of a being that has been sitting on their shit and squishing it all over their skin?
- I enjoy 6-8 hours of consecutive sleep. I do not enjoy being woken up by anything but my alarm clock when it’s set to go off. I get violent. My dog knows because he’s tried to wake me up early. It has resulted in a long string of curse words and usually my other pillow gets thrown across the room.
- I do not want my lady parts ravaged by a mini human. It’s vain, I know. But I quite enjoy the current state of my lady pillows and my downstairs area. I don’t need to push something out and then let it gnaw on my chest for a year.
- I need “me” time. I hear time to yourself is fairly hard to find when you are a mother and I like a goodly amount of time to myself. Hell, sometimes even having my dog around is too much and all he does is lay on the bed.
- I currently do not wish to throw my social life into utter chaos. When you have a child, your social life changes drastically. Most of the time it becomes a thing of the past. And even though I may not be the life of every party, I still enjoy the freedom to be spontaneous and make spur of the moment plans.
- Babies turn into toddlers turn into kids turn into teens. What part of this sounds appealing? I mean, you go from the mental exhaustion of cleaning up poo and puke to the physical exhaustion of having a tiny thing that can move more quickly than you but doesn’t have the common sense not to stick their finger in the light socket. Then teenagers? Honestly, the thought of me having a teen scares the shit out of me. I never want to have to endure it.
- The sheer cost of raising a child. I can barely afford the bills I have now, why on earth would I want to add another huge amount on top of that.
Now, after all that, I will say that I have found being an aunt to be one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I’m actually quite good with children, both my sister and brother can attest to that. For about three hours. Then auntie Kelly needs a fucking beer, four Advil and a two-hour nap.
And don’t think I’m going to go around hating on all you beautiful, brave women that decide to have children. I am in awe of you and I have a ton of respect for your decision.
What can I say? I just want to keep that little box on my W-4 form a 0 or 1 for the rest of my life.