I am only 4 days into this vacation and it’s apparent why I am best suited for a life of cubicles and rolling chairs. This is because, as I have discovered, it is absolutely impossible for me to avoid bruising or cutting myself while moving around all day.
So far, on this trip, I have managed to slice my quad on the blade of a boat propeller, bruise the other quad in the same location (also either running into the blade, or something else the same height and the same night while I was drunk), bruised my right bicep and elbow, and the middle of my back after I fell off the bed while jumping on it.
I guess some of this is par for the course with how clumsy I am, and this wouldn’t really bother me that much, but I am not down in the Bahamas for no reason. I’m here to be one of several lucky bridesmaids in my friend Tiffany’s wedding. This fact makes me feel a little guilty about the way I’ve treated my body with reckless abandon. Excluding the sheer amount of alcohol I have imbibed (and will continue to drink) over the last couple days, I have made a train wreck of my body.
So, my lovely and wonderful friend has to endure my black and blue legs, arms and back coloring up all of her wedding photos, the processional and the beautiful beach wedding in general. Yeah, I said beach wedding. There’s no covering these suckers up with a long dress or nylons. They will be shining away, in all their swollen, mottled glory.
Luckily, one of my fellow bridesmaids is just as accident-prone as I am, and has managed to garner several amazingly large bruises as well, so I will not be alone walking down the aisle bruised and battered.
Also, Tiffany is just about the most awesome bride ever and our instructions are as follows: Don’t get sunburned.
I’m adding an addendum to that request and saying another rule is this: Don’t get a black eye.
Given the rate I’m going, it may be the most difficult rule I’ve ever had to follow in my life.
Post Wedding Update: I did not get a black eye, but I did get sunburned. Shit.