Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

The Legend of John Babbe November 5, 2010

Filed under: Ooooh, Shiny, Pretty — dulcedementia @ 2:16 pm
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In the city of Marathon, on one of the Florida Keys, lives a man. A legend. This man is known by his close friends and family as John Babbe (pronounced Bobby).

Now what type of legend is John Babbe? Well, my friends, he is a man of many legends. Legendary host (along with his wife, Donna). Legendary boat captain. And legendary fisherman.

As a host, his skills are unparalleled. His guests enjoy only the best amenities in his home that has not one, but two kitchens, a large tiki bar in the backyard, which is just feet from his boat and a canal that leads straight out to the ocean. Of course, the lodging is stellar, and the food and beverages are equally superlative. Visitors have burgers, fish dip, hummus and numerous other delicacies lavished upon them whenever their heart (or stomach, for that matter) desires.

John Babbe's Legendary Sense of Humor

Should their stomachs be full, John Babbe treats his guests to a refrigerator stocked with Corona, Bud Light, Tecate, as well as champagne, white wine and a wide variety of mixers. For the drinker with a taste for the harder of the liquors, John Babbe stocks gin, rum and bourbon, as any gentleman of legend should.

His heroine wife, Donna, is also proficient in many types of first aid practices if a guest happens to slice open their legs on, say, a boat propeller blade. Of course, she only needs to have this skill for visiting friends since John Babbe, being of legendary status, never actually injures himself. On the off chance he does get a minor nick, he bleeds salt water so that the sea gets to become one with him.

As captain of his boat, John Babbe can navigate the channels deftly and zoom through the open water with ease. His navigation abilities are unparalleled and sea faring men and women seek him out for his excellent knowledge of the Gulf and Ocean. If a lucky passenger on his boat wishes to go snorkeling, John Babbe knows the perfect spot to take his boat mates in order to spot schools of fish and even a sting ray or two. The fact that a member of his boating party cannot figure out how to use the snorkeling gear despite numerous people attempting to show them should not be held against John Babbe.

Some people just can’t freaking figure out those breathey straws.

If you are looking for the best fisherman on the face of the earth, then make a pilgrimage to John Babbe’s home. Photos on the (not one, but two) refrigerators show him holding giant fish. Some fish are as large as a human! If fish aren’t your seafood of choice, it’s no problem for John Babbe. Equip him with some fins, a snorkeling mask and he’ll dive to the bottom of the ocean and catch you a couple large lobsters with his bare hands. But John Babbe is merciful as well as legendary. He releases the fish and lobster he does not intend to eat back into the wild.

Lobsters return to their families to explain the miraculous day they have had and their kin offer up thanks to John Babbe for sparing the life of their family.

When his little girl walked down the aisle to marry her beaux, John Babbe cried. Yes, the legend cried, because legendary men are ok crying. But his cries are manly, walrus cries. His tears of joy made the palm tears grow taller and the clouds abate.

And on the legendary day, when a legendary man’s daughter made a legendary commitment, the legend of John Babbe began a whole new chapter and will continue on into the annals of history.

John Babbe and his heroine wife, Donna, on his daughter's legendary day.


One Response to “The Legend of John Babbe”

  1. Yona Says:

    “Walrus cries” made me laugh my face off. I miss you John and Donna Babbe.

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