It all started when I saw a few of the Foul Bachelor Frog images and started laughing uproariously. Then I looked at more. Then I started identifying with the damn frog’s advice. Then I realized it.
I live like a bachelor.
No, not a bachelorette. I live like a stereotypical bachelor.
See, I just have you all fooled with my cute little outfits and smell-goodness. In reality, my life is a caricature of the brah lifestyle (minus the popped collars). I give you empirical evidence that I live more like a bachelor than many dudes I know.
- When I moved, I got rid of all my coffee cups because I was all, “I don’t drink coffee or have a coffee maker, I don’t need these.” Now I make tea in a 1 cup Pyrex measuring cup.
- I have actually eaten oatmeal straight out of the pot. Why dirty another dish?
- When all of my bowls are dirty, I eat cereal from cups.
- Currently, I’m out of toilet paper. I have been using Kleenexes for a week now.
- The entire top shelf of my cupboard is full of packages of ramen soup.
- When I’m bored, instead of reading a book or doing something constructive, I’ll just masturbate.
- I have actually eaten the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner in one day: cheese and crackers (Sometimes pepperoni. Yes. I have done this more than once).
- It can be hard to tell which pile of laundry is clean and needs to be folded and which pile is filthy and needs to be washed. Usually, I have to do a smell test to figure it out.
And there you go, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t be fooled when you walk into my cute little studio apartment next time. On the surface, it may look all cool and artsy fartsy, but underneath lies a seething underbelly of hidden dirty dishes and a refrigerator that contains nothing but condiments.