Lately I’ve been eating healthier and eating the right amount for my activity level most days and it’s got me feeling pretty good. However, I still do, on occasion, make egregious meal decisions. Today was one such day. So, whether you want to replicate the horror or avoid it, here’s a play by play for how I made a bad food choice.
What You’ll Need:
-One (1) Can Hormel Homestyle Chili (see where I’m going with this already)
-Complete Disregard for Nutritional Information Provided on Can
-Fuckton of Tums
-Anti-Diarrhea Pills (optional)
Step 1: Open can. Look at the contents. Feel slightly unsettled, but dump contents into a bowl. Cover and nuke for 2 1/2 minutes.
Step 2: While chili is warming, go to the medicine cabinet and take two (2) preemptive Tums.
Step 3: Feel apprehension.
Step 4: Remove magma hot plate and bowl from microwave. Look at the contents. Feel even more unsettled, but stir the contents anyway.
Step 5: Take a bite. Instantly know you’ve made a horrible decision and you’re going to be paying for it all night.
Step 6: Feel overwhelming regret.
Step 7: Take a few more bites.
Step 8: Stop. Put the fucking spoon down. No hunger pang is worth the discomfort this will cause. Discard remaining chili into the trash can.
Step 9: Go take more Tums. Wait two more hours then take more Tums and anti-diarrhea pills, if necessary.
Step 10: Suffer all night for the poor decision I made this afternoon.