Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Bad Food Choice: A Step by Step How to Guide January 5, 2011

Filed under: No Common Sense — dulcedementia @ 5:25 pm
Tags: , ,

Lately I’ve been eating healthier and eating the right amount for my activity level most days and it’s got me feeling pretty good. However, I still do, on occasion, make egregious meal decisions. Today was one such day. So, whether you want to replicate the horror or avoid it, here’s a play by play for how I made a bad food choice.

Yes. With fucking beans. God, I'm stupid.

What You’ll Need:
-One (1) Can Hormel Homestyle Chili (see where I’m going with this already)
-Overwhelming Hunger
-Complete Disregard for Nutritional Information Provided on Can
-Fuckton of Tums
-Anti-Diarrhea Pills (optional)

Step 1: Open can. Look at the contents. Feel slightly unsettled, but dump contents into a bowl. Cover and nuke for 2 1/2 minutes.

Step 2: While chili is warming, go to the medicine cabinet and take two (2) preemptive Tums.

Step 3: Feel apprehension.

Step 4: Remove magma hot plate and bowl from microwave. Look at the contents. Feel even more unsettled, but stir the contents anyway.

Step 5: Take a bite. Instantly know you’ve made a horrible decision and you’re going to be paying for it all night.

Step 6: Feel overwhelming regret.

Step 7: Take a few more bites.

Step 8: Stop. Put the fucking spoon down. No hunger pang is worth the discomfort this will cause. Discard remaining chili into the trash can.

Step 9: Go take more Tums. Wait two more hours then take more Tums and anti-diarrhea pills, if necessary.

Step 10: Suffer all night for the poor decision I made this afternoon.


2 Responses to “Bad Food Choice: A Step by Step How to Guide”

  1. Jason Says:

    You should’ve just eaten the whole can like a boss, then chased it with a Slim Jim.

  2. Jared Says:

    As in I’ve done the same thing a fuckton of times. Love that word.

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