First off, if anyone mentions that fact that I haven’t written in over 6 months, I WILL cut a bitch. I’m well aware of my epic lack of writing, but you know, when you write for a living, sometimes it’s not as fun to write in your spare time. And, yes, I always seem to start writing when I reach yet another introspective point in my life, but, well, hey, I’m writing. Please don’t demand any more from me.
So, yeah, introspection. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.
It’s part of this whole “fix myself” kick that I’ve been on recently. Not that I’m irreparably broken in some deep emotional way, but I just came to realize that there are some things missing from “me” that I think I’d really like to discover. Trust me, when I tell you I know, in the deepest depths of my being, how fortunate I am to have my life. I have the most wonderful friends a woman could ever want. A job (OK, several jobs) that fulfills me and a room with a view. But there was obviously something missing because I kept trying to fill a void. And the things/people I was trying to fill it with were like square pegs in a round hole.
I’m a fixer. It’s what I do. Writing shitty? Let me proofread that for you. Problem with your significant other or any other life decisions? Let’s get a beer and we’ll talk it out and find a solution. Manic depressive? Here, let me take on your entire life for you so you don’t have to. Do you also want a homemade brunch while I’m at it? So, naturally, when something is “broken” in my life, I try to fix it. And when the fixing doesn’t work the way I want it to, I get caught up in a sneaky hate spiral.
So, lately, I’ve been trying this new thing called “acceptance.” Have you heard of it? I mean, apparently it’s been around for, like, years, but I had never really paid attention to it until now. I just know that in the next couple of weeks some shitchomper wearing a fanny pack, thick framed glasses and rocking a rat tail is going to come up to me and go, “I was practicing acceptance waaaaay before anyone else was.” And then I will punch him. </metaphysicalhipsterjoke>
I digress. My point is, the concept of acceptance is simple: sit with your problems in the moment and just experience them. Not even just problems. Just with life and let it exist. Jesus fucktard, how simple is that?
Well, have you ever tried to do that? Do you know how hard that is? It’s like petrified whale dick hard! And I’m a spontaneous goddamn person! Seriously, trying to sit still, quietly with no agenda, no observations, just letting the world spin might as well have been like giving me a hammer and chisel and telling me to perform surgery on the pre-frontal cortex. It’s not easy.
Then I had this weird thing happen to me last week. I had the urge to take a bath, rather than a shower, so I filled the tub.
Then, because I’m a motherfucking lady, I put a bath fizzy in the tub.
I don’t know if you’ve ever used a bath fizzy before, but besides softening and scenting the water, they also sometimes leave a veeeeeery thin layer of bubbles on the surface of the water. Well, I was sitting there, in the tub, and I noticed that when I moved my fingers, this foam danced around in the water creating some of the most beautiful, yet completely random swirly designs. I played with the water for a good ten minutes before I was suddenly struck with the profundity of the situation. Holy mother effer! I was living in the moment! I wasn’t thinking about anything but those stupid, wonderful swirls and how I could make them twist and turn simply by moving my fingers slightly. It was so simple! But consciously trying to do a similar thing while seated in a chair is not easy.
I’m still trying though, because I think the thing missing in my life was me. Each week, is Star Trek for my psyche, I seek out new worlds and explore new civilizations. Metaphorically, of course, but you get the picture and I really wanted to use a Star Trek metaphor.
But each week that I spend growing and learning about myself related only to myself and not to the people around me, I find myself getting stronger and feeling more whole. It’s funny because the more I look inward and focus on the intimacy of self, the more space I have in my heart and in my life for everything around me. The simple things in life astound me now, because there’s this sort of implicit understanding that, even though they may be simple, they certainly aren’t easy. It’s a connection on this really primordial level and it feels pretty good.
Anyway, that’s enough rambling for now. It’s just nice to have my brain on again.
And, I still really suck at acceptance, and it will probably take a long time for me to be comfortable with it all the time, and that’s ok.
See what I just did there?