This lucky girl got herself a press pass to the 34th Annual Starz Film Festival, so I’ve been trying to take advantage of it this week as much as possible, so on Wednesday, I went and saw Coriolanus (I can’t, I just cannot say or write that without laughing).
I actually wrote this review and sent it to a couple buddies the other night after I saw the film, but I kind of made myself laugh with it, so I thought, to hell with it, I’ll post it here too. More glory, less work. My kind of blog post.
First of all, that “perfect sound?” What was that, a microphone held up to a boombox? Shakespearean is hard enough to follow when spoken in perfect diction, it’s even harder when it sounds like every actor is speaking through the fucking cowl of a turtleneck sweater.
Along those lines, just because Gerard Butler can open his mouth wide enough to swallow a fucking cantaloupe whole does not mean that his Scottish brogue won’t render every line of his script utterly incomprehensible. It’s OK though. I just imagined him naked every time he was in a scene.
Speaking of anus, what was with the “army scene?” Was it just me or was that the sexiest group head shaving anyone has ever seen? When they set that young cadet in the barber seat, I half expected him to get a lap dance.
Vanessa Redgrave, you are perfect, and ever shall you be this way.
Finally, Ralph Fiennes, I have two things to say to you: One, SPELL IT RAEF OR RAFE, YOU ARROGANT BASTARD! And two, your last monologue in the film terrified me so much, I think I may have shit myself. Your character in this film was so fully complete in his evil, that I will probably never even be able to approach you for an autograph if given the chance.
Additional note to the gentleman seated behind me:
Sir, I believe you probably have gum disease. Please get your mouth checked out.