This last week was a quiet one and I needed it. The week before was a blur of parties and events and friends. All great, nay, wonderful things. But by Sunday I was starting to get a little bit cranky. On Monday, when I had to get into the shower and go to another event, every movement I made was made begrudgingly. I ended up having a great time at this event and learning a whole bunch (and laying the building blocks for a horrible hangover the next day), but by the time I got home, I was ready to enter a hole and never come out.
This began three days of extreme hermitry. The only people I interacted with were clerks as I bought supplies for my voluntary confinement. And so it began.
On Wednesday, while talking to my therapist I described my time alone as being “flat” and drew an imaginary flat line with my fingers. It was neither high nor low, it just was. And for some reason, I chose to define it as a flat line, or being dead.
I didn’t even notice my choice of words until they were pointed out to me. Funny thing is I used to crave this time alone. I used to be introverted. In fact, I described myself as an outgoing introvert. Suddenly, time spent in quiet leaves me feeling, well, feeling nothing.
Have I really spent so much time being stimulated, whether positive or negative, that I don’t know how to feel or what to feel when things are just neutral? What. The. Fuck?
I like to think of myself as a person who takes joy in the simplicity of things. And I really do. It’s the little things that make me smile and create this sort of patchwork of a fulfilled life. How then am I not able to take joy in the simplicity of just being?
This weekend, despite being busy, I felt this creeping feeling of antsiness. I sat in front of my computer on Saturday and tried to be entertained by the internet, but it was all boring to me. Last night, the same thing happened, AND I turned off three movies because they just weren’t interesting enough for me. This led to me becoming almost instantly grouchy.
I felt resentful and dangerous. Suddenly this side of me, the side of me that I have worked VERY hard to keep in a cage, started trying to break free. If this side of me was a dude, it would have an evil mustache. This is the side of me that wants to go into a cafe, order a cup of coffee and then dump it on the ground and walk out. I wanted to punch a wall or have someone punch me.
I just wanted to feel alive. And in the least healthy way possible.
I told a friend how I was feeling and they suggested that maybe I’m not challenged enough right now. Maybe they’re right. Life does feel pretty easy right now. I have a great job(s). I have amazing friends. I’m supporting myself. Where’s the fucking challenge in that?
So, now I’m on a quest to find some new challenges that will make me less… punchy. First up, it’s time to get that whole website thing up and running. Next, I dunno, something to vent all this pent up aggression. Brazilian Ju Jitsu? Capoera? Break dancing? I have no idea, but I’m open to suggestions. Anything but hockey. Hockey and I need some time apart.
In the meantime, I want to apologize if I am in anyway short or rude or aggro with you in the next few weeks. Feel free to punch me in the face if you want. Just be ready to get punched back.
And I have a mean right hook.