I am a HUGE proponent of shopping local and I do it whenever possible. It puts money back into the community, it promotes creativity and artistry in the city and I get to have pretty and unique pieces in my wardrobe. I mean, come on, anyone who knows me knows that virtually 75% of my accessories come from Pandora on the Hill. They pretty much rock.
Sadly, the one thing that I would love to shop local for, I never can. You see, I can never get any pieces of clothing that the clothing boutiques in Denver have to offer. For me, going into a small clothing store is like taking a diabetic to a candy store and telling them, “You can have anything you want, as long as it doesn’t send your blood sugar through the roof.” It’s cruel and inhumane and I leave the store just hating life.
“Why on earth could that be, Kelly? There are so many talented designers in Denver! How could you not find something you love?!”
The answer is that I find too much to love. I see colors that make my eyes twinkle, I see patterns that make my heart flutter and I usually see price tags that make my pocket book happy. Then I take a look at the tag. Small. Medium. Size 6. Size 4. Size 8. And all of my dreams are dashed.
You see, boutiques, this girl has ample breasts and a ghetto booty, making it impossible to fit into anything under a size 12 or a large (usually an XL). Nothing kills a lovely dress form more than slipping it over my head only to have it smash down my lady pillows more effectively than a fucking sports bra.
I understand that they don’t make dress forms for all body types, and that it’s more fun to be creative using fabrics, patterns and lines, but maybe, just maybe, one or two of the designers could challenge themselves in a new avenue and try and design a dress that is meant to fit on a woman with curves and not just a flat dress form.
Also, while we’re on the subject, these double D’s and button tops NEVER work. Just add a zipper on the back and sew the front closed. Seriously, if the girls think there’s a chance of escaping their clothed confines, they will push until buttons go flying.
And, yes, I know I could stand to shed some weight and I’m working on it my loves. But I have a few points along that line. First, the number one rule of dressing well is to dress for the body you have and not the one you want. Weight loss is a long road; it could be a year or more before I could conceivably fit into your largest sizes. Second, even when my shitmuncher of an ex-husband was controlling what I ate every day and making me go to the gym, and I was at my skinny minniest, I was still a size 6-8, and the tits still didn’t fit into a lot of boutique designs and my ass still didn’t work in most typical dress forms. So you see I’ll never be the stick that your dress form wants me to be.
Oh, and before you tell me to shop for family members and friends, my sister is more buxom than I am and this butt is a family trait on both sides. Also, my best friend is near six feet tall and many of my other girlfriends are derby girls, so their muscular booties and legs all defy traditional dress and pant forms. I don’t think I’ll be able to find anything for anyone special to me in your racks.
So, dearest local clothing retailers, much to my chagrin, I won’t be in your stores as much as I would like this holiday season. Why go into a store that’s just going to make me feel like shit about who I am? And that is why I’ll still be shopping in big box clothing stores for most of my clothing.
Accessories and just about everything else will all be local though.
P.S. If anyone knows of a good, local clothing boutique that will not make me feel like a heifer every time I go into the dressing room, please, for the LOVE OF GOD let me know. I will shop the shit out of that store.