Gum in My Hair

An embarrassingly honest blog

Design for Curves: A Message to Local Clothing Boutiques November 16, 2011

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 11:35 am
Tags: , ,

I am a HUGE proponent of shopping local and I do it whenever possible. It puts money back into the community, it promotes creativity and artistry in the city and I get to have pretty and unique pieces in my wardrobe. I mean, come on, anyone who knows me knows that virtually 75% of my accessories come from Pandora on the Hill. They pretty much rock.

Sadly, the one thing that I would love to shop local for, I never can. You see, I can never get any pieces of clothing that the clothing boutiques in Denver have to offer. For me, going into a small clothing store is like taking a diabetic to a candy store and telling them, “You can have anything you want, as long as it doesn’t send your blood sugar through the roof.” It’s cruel and inhumane and I leave the store just hating life.

“Why on earth could that be, Kelly? There are so many talented designers in Denver! How could you not find something you love?!”

The answer is that I find too much to love. I see colors that make my eyes twinkle, I see patterns that make my heart flutter and I usually see price tags that make my pocket book happy. Then I take a look at the tag. Small. Medium. Size 6. Size 4. Size 8. And all of my dreams are dashed.

You see, boutiques, this girl has ample breasts and a ghetto booty, making it impossible to fit into anything under a size 12 or a large (usually an XL). Nothing kills a lovely dress form more than slipping it over my head only to have it smash down my lady pillows more effectively than a fucking sports bra.

Look at that. Beauty doesn't always fit on a dress form.

I understand that they don’t make dress forms for all body types, and that it’s more fun to be creative using fabrics, patterns and lines, but maybe, just maybe, one or two of the designers could challenge themselves in a new avenue and try and design a dress that is meant to fit on a woman with curves and not just a flat dress form.

Also, while we’re on the subject, these double D’s and button tops NEVER work. Just add a zipper on the back and sew the front closed. Seriously, if the girls think there’s a chance of escaping their clothed confines, they will push until buttons go flying.

And, yes, I know I could stand to shed some weight and I’m working on it my loves. But I have a few points along that line. First, the number one rule of dressing well is to dress for the body you have and not the one you want. Weight loss is a long road; it could be a year or more before I could conceivably fit into your largest sizes. Second, even when my shitmuncher of an ex-husband was controlling what I ate every day and making me go to the gym, and I was at my skinny minniest, I was still a size 6-8, and the tits still didn’t fit into a lot of boutique designs and my ass still didn’t work in most typical dress forms. So you see I’ll never be the stick that your dress form wants me to be.

Oh, and before you tell me to shop for family members and friends, my sister is more buxom than I am and this butt is a family trait on both sides. Also, my best friend is near six feet tall and many of my other girlfriends are derby girls, so their muscular booties and legs all defy traditional dress and pant forms. I don’t think I’ll be able to find anything for anyone special to me in your racks.

So, dearest local clothing retailers, much to my chagrin, I won’t be in your stores as much as I would like this holiday season. Why go into a store that’s just going to make me feel like shit about who I am? And that is why I’ll still be shopping in big box clothing stores for most of my clothing.

Accessories and just about everything else will all be local though.

P.S. If anyone knows of a good, local clothing boutique that will not make me feel like a heifer every time I go into the dressing room, please, for the LOVE OF GOD let me know. I will shop the shit out of that store.


Stop and LOOK! November 14, 2011

Filed under: Ooooh, Shiny, Pretty — dulcedementia @ 10:57 am
Tags: ,

It’s been around two and a half years since I gave up my car. Maybe less, I don’t know, unless there’s an “o’clock” next to it, I’m really bad at gauging time. But I think it was around two and a half years. Sure, there are days when I wish I had a car. Have you ever tried hefting a 50 pound bag of dog food home? Yeah, no, neither have I. But that’s what friends are for and if I’m really in a bind, I know I can count on one of them to bail me out. So, sure, I have to leave a little earlier for things. Sure, I have to sit next to some funk on the bus, but you know what, I would change it for the world. You know why?

I like the way that this sticker tore. I think it's pretty. That's all.

Because I get to see the city. I mean really see it. We miss so much zooming through neighborhoods in our cars and, yes, our bikes (I use my Millie for anything over a mile). When you walk, you really get to take in everything. Hell, even the bus is a nice, passive way to get around and stare out a window without any social pressure to make conversation with the person sitting next to you.

The saying goes, “God is in the details.” To change it around for my fellow atheists, “Beauty is in the details.” We’re so inundated with bright flashing lights, billboards and messages shouting at us from every possible medium, that we’ve stopped noticing all of the small things that make up the beauty in the world around us and give us insight into humanity.

It’s one of the biggest reasons why I love street art so much. It makes people who might not ordinarily pay attention to a drab brick wall, stop and maybe even take a picture of the discovery of a beautiful work of art pasted to the side of an abandoned building. Also, street art rewards those of us that pay attention to our surroundings as we walk. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pointed out art to friends that they walked right by because it was on the sidewalk or the lower corner of a building or electrical box.

When you look at your surroundings, you start seeing the little things. The pieces of frost clinging to one of the most goddamn stubborn, resilient roses you’ve ever seen. The deep, rich maroon of one singular leaf clinging to a barren branch. The kindness of a homeless man sharing half of his cheeseburger with his dog.

In my opinion, these are the little things that make up a whole that is a pretty wonderful life and I’m always shocked when people don’t see the same things I do. I guess it makes sense. We spend so much time involved in things that take us inward or give us tunnel vision: computers, phones, video games and more. It seems like we’re starting to forget how to look outward for inspiration and awe.

So, here’s my challenge to you. Take a 30 minute walk around your hood. Bring some music if you want, I find having a soundtrack is always nice. But no email, no phone calls. Just re-engage with your senses. Really look at all of the details surrounding you and be grateful for it. Your eyes have so much to look at; your nose, so much to smell, your ears, so much to hear.

Just stop and look and marvel at the world around you.


Coriolanus: A Review or the Title Says “Anus”: Try Not to Giggle Now November 11, 2011

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 12:19 pm
Tags: , ,

This lucky girl got herself a press pass to the 34th Annual Starz Film Festival, so I’ve been trying to take advantage of it this week as much as possible, so on Wednesday, I went and saw Coriolanus (I can’t, I just cannot say or write that without laughing).

I actually wrote this review and sent it to a couple buddies the other night after I saw the film, but I kind of made myself laugh with it, so I thought, to hell with it, I’ll post it here too. More glory, less work. My kind of blog post.


First of all, that “perfect sound?” What was that, a microphone held up to a boombox? Shakespearean is hard enough to follow when spoken in perfect diction, it’s even harder when it sounds like every actor is speaking through the fucking cowl of a turtleneck sweater.

Along those lines, just because Gerard Butler can open his mouth wide enough to swallow a fucking cantaloupe whole does not mean that his Scottish brogue won’t render every line of his script utterly incomprehensible. It’s OK though. I just imagined him naked every time he was in a scene.

Speaking of anus, what was with the “army scene?” Was it just me or was that the sexiest group head shaving anyone has ever seen? When they set that young cadet in the barber seat, I half expected him to get a lap dance.

Vanessa Redgrave, you are perfect, and ever shall you be this way.

Finally, Ralph Fiennes, I have two things to say to you: One, SPELL IT RAEF OR RAFE, YOU ARROGANT BASTARD! And two, your last monologue in the film terrified me so much, I think I may have shit myself. Your character in this film was so fully complete in his evil, that I will probably never even be able to approach you for an autograph if given the chance.

Additional note to the gentleman seated behind me:
Sir, I believe you probably have gum disease. Please get your mouth checked out.


Perception vs. Reality November 9, 2011

Filed under: Blush Face — dulcedementia @ 4:28 pm
Tags: , ,

Lately, there seems to be this rumor going around that I’m always busy, busy, busy. Well, yes, in the evenings I do have a lot of activities that I enjoy and that tends to be what people hear about, but I just wanted to let you in on this little lesson I learned back a few jobs ago about perception versus reality.

I was working for a startup and we hadn’t set core hours yet, so I would come in at around 9:30 or 10 most days, but I would stay until around 9 pm, working well over 9 hours most days. The problem was, no one else was stating that late, so everyone thought I was slacking off and some people were complaining that I wasn’t working as hard as everyone else simply based on the fact that the saw me saunter in at 10 am most days.

So, my boss and I had a heart to heart (it was touching, really) and he told me all about success and perception versus reality. I took the lesson to heart and started making sure that I was there about 10 minutes before most people in the mornings and that I stayed about 10 minutes later than most people. Guess what? Suddenly, everyone was impressed with how hard I was working! When, in fact, I was doing no more work than they were, I was just a criminal mastermind.

So, without further ado, the perception of my life to just about everyone I know casually (and also proof of why I am a copywriter and not a fucking art director or pretty much anything that requires any perception of depth or photo editing skills):

Christ. This is just shameful, lazy photo editing.

And the reality of about the 12 of the 17 hours I am awake most days (including the weekends):

Thanks to for making me look like I know how to make a cartoon.

You don’t have to feel sorry for me. Just know that, since I work from home and have to obey little to no social mores, I probably drool a lot more than the average employee.


It’s Simple, But Not Easy October 28, 2011

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 3:39 pm
Tags: , ,

First off, if anyone mentions that fact that I haven’t written in over 6 months, I WILL cut a bitch. I’m well aware of my epic lack of writing, but you know, when you write for a living, sometimes it’s not as fun to write in your spare time. And, yes, I always seem to start writing when I reach yet another introspective point in my life, but, well, hey, I’m writing. Please don’t demand any more from me.

So, yeah, introspection. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

It’s part of this whole “fix myself” kick that I’ve been on recently. Not that I’m irreparably broken in some deep emotional way, but I just came to realize that there are some things missing from “me” that I think I’d really like to discover. Trust me, when I tell you I know, in the deepest depths of my being, how fortunate I am to have my life. I have the most wonderful friends a woman could ever want. A job (OK, several jobs) that fulfills me and a room with a view. But there was obviously something missing because I kept trying to fill a void. And the things/people I was trying to fill it with were like square pegs in a round hole.

I’m a fixer. It’s what I do. Writing shitty? Let me proofread that for you. Problem with your significant other or any other life decisions? Let’s get a beer and we’ll talk it out and find a solution. Manic depressive? Here, let me take on your entire life for you so you don’t have to. Do you also want a homemade brunch while I’m at it? So, naturally, when something is “broken” in my life, I try to fix it. And when the fixing doesn’t work the way I want it to, I get caught up in a sneaky hate spiral.

So, lately, I’ve been trying this new thing called “acceptance.” Have you heard of it? I mean, apparently it’s been around for, like, years, but I had never really paid attention to it until now. I just know that in the next couple of weeks some shitchomper wearing a fanny pack, thick framed glasses and rocking a rat tail is going to come up to me and go, “I was practicing acceptance waaaaay before anyone else was.” And then I will punch him. </metaphysicalhipsterjoke>

I digress. My point is, the concept of acceptance is simple: sit with your problems in the moment and just experience them. Not even just problems. Just with life and let it exist. Jesus fucktard, how simple is that?

Well, have you ever tried to do that? Do you know how hard that is? It’s like petrified whale dick hard! And I’m a spontaneous goddamn person! Seriously, trying to sit still, quietly with no agenda, no observations, just letting the world spin might as well have been like giving me a hammer and chisel and telling me to perform surgery on the pre-frontal cortex. It’s not easy.

Then I had this weird thing happen to me last week. I had the urge to take a bath, rather than a shower, so I filled the tub.

Bath Fizzies: A staple in every lady's relaxation drawer.

Then, because I’m a motherfucking lady, I put a bath fizzy in the tub.

I don’t know if you’ve ever used a bath fizzy before, but besides softening and scenting the water, they also sometimes leave a veeeeeery thin layer of bubbles on the surface of the water. Well, I was sitting there, in the tub, and I noticed that when I moved my fingers, this foam danced around in the water creating some of the most beautiful, yet completely random swirly designs. I played with the water for a good ten minutes before I was suddenly struck with the profundity of the situation. Holy mother effer! I was living in the moment! I wasn’t thinking about anything but those stupid, wonderful swirls and how I could make them twist and turn simply by moving my fingers slightly. It was so simple! But consciously trying to do a similar thing while seated in a chair is not easy.

I’m still trying though, because I think the thing missing in my life was me. Each week, is Star Trek for my psyche, I seek out new worlds and explore new civilizations. Metaphorically, of course, but you get the picture and I really wanted to use a Star Trek metaphor.

But each week that I spend growing and learning about myself related only to myself and not to the people around me, I find myself getting stronger and feeling more whole. It’s funny because the more I look inward and focus on the intimacy of self, the more space I have in my heart and in my life for everything around me. The simple things in life astound me now, because there’s this sort of implicit understanding that, even though they may be simple, they certainly aren’t easy. It’s a connection on this really primordial level and it feels pretty good.

Anyway, that’s enough rambling for now. It’s just nice to have my brain on again.

And, I still really suck at acceptance, and it will probably take a long time for me to be comfortable with it all the time, and that’s ok.

See what I just did there?


What Happened to Art Class? April 19, 2011

Filed under: Shut Your Mouth! — dulcedementia @ 11:33 am
Tags: , ,

This morning I went to a bi-weekly tech meeting/Apple circle jerk and heard the news that an Auburn, Maine elementary school is getting all of their kindergartners iPad 2s. Then, after talking with another friend this morning, I learned that the Denver School of Science and Technology is getting rid of all of their art teachers. Yes. I realize that nowhere in the school’s name does it mention art, but still. Come on.

Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way, but I feel like children may be missing vital arts experience in schools in exchange for more and more technology in the curriculum.

After writing that sentence, I think I just uttered my generation’s “walking uphill to school both ways” clause.

For realsies though, while I think it’s great that 20 kindergartners will get to smudge up an iPad for a year (if those things can even withstand the abuse of a 6 year old for an entire year), I do wonder what programs got passed over for this to become a reality. Did the music program get passed over for new sheet music once again? Did the art class get denied its request for better easels? Did other important arts programs get passed over yet again so that children that are at an age when they can barely write can get technology that some adults lack the dexterity to control?

Think what you want, but the arts played such a critical role in my development that the thought of these departments getting passed over yet again, or even completely eliminated so that schools can get kids the latest and greatest tech (that will just be outdated in a year anyway) really, really pisses me off.

I’m no Luddite, but goddammit, can we please keep the arts grounded in the real world instead of virtual space?


Talk Nerdy to Me April 12, 2011

Filed under: Ooooh, Shiny, Pretty — dulcedementia @ 11:14 am
Tags: , , ,

Shut. The fuck. Up.

I know that was the most cliched title I could have ever written, but, well, I couldn’t think of anything better. Think of it like getting “Rio” stuck in your head and then trying to compose a lyrical/musical masterpiece.

You’re all, “I must compose something with depth that will span generations and make the cold hearted week with joy.”

And you’re brain is all, “And when she shines she really shows you all she can.
Oh Rio, Rio dance across the Rio Grande!”

Anyway, I digress.

Lately, my mind’s been getting blown like a non-threatening white male with a 2009 Ford Mustang who keeps buying lemon drops for the moderately attractive girl who is obviously on the rebound (read: a lot) by technology. Ladies and gentlemen, in the past few months, I’ve developed the creeping sensation that, in fact, the future is now and I couldn’t be more tickled about it.

Most of the amazing advances in tech are actually just new companies putting a new spin on old concepts, primarily, making them mobile through smart phones. I’ll put aside my beef with Apple for now and just go ahead and say that phone iPhone and Android phones have some truly amazing apps that are being created for them. So many so, that I can’t begin to even cover them all.

Mmmmmm, smartphones.

But I wanted to talk about a couple companies/apps/sites that have impressed me thoroughly with their innovation.

Now. That being said, if another app similar to the one I’m talking about exists and existed before this company, please feel free to elaborate. I’m merely speaking completely on my experience.

OK, so all you savvy business ladies and gents probably know about Square (I won’t go into this mind fucking boggling idea here, just click the link and have your earth shattered) and it’s awesomeness. A lot of us probably use Paypal quite a bit too, so most of us are familiar with non-traditional forms of payment. But Venmo. Now that’s a cool idea incorporating web payments and smart phones.

This website and app (iPhone and Android) allows the user to send and charge money over their phone to friends who use the program. Yeah? So?

Can you… can you imagine what this would do for splitting a bill at a restaurant or paying a friend for gas money? It’s small payments like this when we say “I’ll get you next time” that are easily remedied.

For example, this weekend a buddy and me went to a Grand Opening on South Broadway and decided to take a bus down there, however he didn’t have cash and I did, so I paid for our fares both ways. Now, we solved the payback dilemma by me paying less on our dinner bill, but we could have also solve it by him sending me $4.50 through Venmo. Am I the only one who gets their mind blown out of the water by this??

So many of us have one or 17 thumb drives. We keep them in our pockets, our purse or keychain. We throw stuff on them to transfer back and forth from computer to computer or when we’re gifting our friend some music. Thumb drives break and they get really dirty and they (mine at least) gross me out.

Enter Dropbox (dear god, thank you Levar for this intro). Sign up online. Download a desktop app and a mobile app. Voila! You’ve now got access to files in your Dropbox at anytime from any computer anywhere or your fucking phone! I can now take anything else on my laptop that’s NOT a Google doc and store it in my Dropbox as a sort of back up. Oh, and up to 2 GB is free. Woot!

Is it hot in here, or is it just this multi-platform software?

So, I know there are just a ton of great apps out there that are mind bogglingly amazing and if you know of one, I’d like to hear about it.

Then download and/or install it.

Then sit back, relax and have my mind blown right outta my face.


%d bloggers like this: